


The Thing With Feathers

by babs



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Permanent Injury, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-01 18:53:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19183672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babs/pseuds/babs
Summary: A mission away from SG-1 leaves Daniel struggling with the aftermath





	1. Chapter 1

"How is he?" Carter whispered, pulling Jack out of his vigil.

"Same," Jack said. He didn't take his eyes off Daniel. "Fraiser says he's in there—somewhere."

Carter nodded and wrapped her fingers around Daniel's still ones.

Jack leaned back in his chair, rubbed his eyes. "Teal'c find out anything else?"

"No, sir." She lifted Daniel's hand, stroked his forearm. "The Wayharans claim no knowledge of the attack on Daniel."

"Bullshit," Jack said. He leaned forward, elbows on knees and studied Daniel— blue eyes open and staring into space, tubes and leads attached to other parts of Daniel's bruised and broken body, and felt his anger grow. "You know they know."

"I do," Carter said and then her voice changed. "Hey, Daniel. How are you feeling today?"

He didn't respond—hadn't responded to anyone or anything since he'd been carried through the Gate by the surviving members of SG-18. 

Jack patted Daniel's shoulder, let Carter have her visit. He needed to get out—get away from seeing Daniel so...empty.

"Colonel."

Jack nearly ran Fraiser over. He put his hands out to keep her from careening into the wall.

She looked up at him. "I wanted to speak to you."

Jack nodded. "Here?"

"I think my office would be better," she said and led him away from Daniel's room.

Jack followed and sat in the chair she indicated.

"We did some more tests," Fraiser said. 

"And..." Jack said. "What's going on with him? Or haven't you figured it out?"

Fraiser pushed a folder towards him. "There's extensive nerve damage to his right leg."

"And?" Jack felt his stomach twist.

"We're not sure what that means at this time—whether it is treatable or not." Fraiser looked at him. "You realize this means that Daniel's days of going through the Stargate may be over."

Jack wiped his hand over his face. "Yeah. I figured that out." He leaned forward. "But he'll come back to us? What's causing his..." Jack waved a hand in the air. "His non-responsiveness? Because I gotta tell you Doc, he should still be responding to us moving around, trying to communicate."

"I know, sir," Fraiser said. "We're doing our best to help him."

Jack nodded. "I know. I know. It's just—seeing him---"

"We all care about him, sir. We want him to come back too."

For now, Jack thought, it had to be enough.

* * * *

Jack tapped his fingers on the phone. All he had to do was press the button, call his mom and he was a big fat chicken because how did he tell his mother, the woman who loved Daniel as her son-in-law that the Daniel she knew wasn't the Daniel that was here now.

Don't be ridiculous, Jack. Jack could hear Daniel's voice in his mind. It had been a promise they'd made to his mom a few years back. Next of kin, just in case, they'd said.

He tried to talk himself out of making the call he needed to, too late, he couldn't tell her the whys and wherefores, she couldn't visit yet. It was all a lie, he knew. He didn't want to call, because calling meant saying words that he didn't want to admit. Words that after two weeks were only sinking in. And maybe, just maybe he didn't want the comfort he knew his mom would provide, didn't want to hear her hope and faith in the future. God damn it. He held the phone against his forehead, took a deep breath, and pressed speed dial 2.

"Jack! To what do I owe the pleasure, dear son of mine who never calls." 

Oh shit—why did she need to sound so happy?

"Mom, I need to talk to you," he said and his voice was hoarse.

"Daniel? What happened to Daniel?" 

"He's alive," Jack said quickly before she gave in to panic. "But--"

"I'm sitting, Johnny. Tell me, please." Her voice sounded strangely calm.

"He—he was on a miss—out of the country and he's been hurt." Jack steadied his breath. "His right leg is para--paralyzed. And he isn't speaking. He's...it's like he's gone."

"He can't speak?" his mom said. "You mean he can't understand what we say? He can't communicate?"

"No, no," Jack said. "He understands us just fine, can write what he wants and needs. He has to relearn how to talk. He just can't make his mouth form the words."

"I can come..."

"You can't, Mom. I'm sorry. He's in a facility that doesn't allow visitors." Jack hated telling her that.

"He can read? He'll understand what I write? I can call him?"

"Yes, yes, and yes," Jack said, tears he'd held at bay spilling. "Mom."

"You love him, Jack," she said. "Hold on to that."

Jack held the phone long after they'd said their goodbyes. He thought of Daniel lying in his bed in the infirmary, a Daniel he didn't recognize. He thought of the hoarse screams that came and Daniel clutching onto whoever was near, it didn't matter who. He thought of Captain Huang, brought through the Gate the same time as Daniel, her body twisted and torn apart, her dead eyes accusing them all of failure, of Major Petersen who had died three days later, his brain damaged and never waking from the coma he'd been in. There had been people who loved Huang and Petersen—Petersen was a dad, his son only two months old. Huang was engaged to one of the civilian scientists in Carter's lab—she should have been going on her honeymoon this week. So yeah, his mom could believe love was enough, but Jack wasn't so sure. If love alone could fix Daniel, Daniel would be smiling at him from the other side of the bed. Jack lay down on his side and allowed himself the luxury of tears.

* * * *

"You've got it, Daniel."

Daniel wished he could kick the ever cheery Lieutenant Tanner. Of course he couldn't because his damn right leg didn't work the way it should from the knee down any longer. He moved his hands forward a few inches on the parallel bars, shifted his weight and swung his braced leg a step towards the end. Then he shifted weight again and took a step with his left. 

"Good job," Tanner said and moved back a few inches on his wheeled stool. He smiled up at Daniel. "Only ten more to go." He reached down to point Daniel's right foot forward.

Daniel took another step. Or maybe, he thought, he should call it a shuffle. It certainly didn't resemble the walking he saw everyone else doing.

"—niel."

Daniel looked at Tanner—focused on the man's mouth and felt a momentary panic when all the words seemed to fade out.

Tanner gave him an okay sign and went over to Daniel's wheelchair. He grabbed a small bag and handed it to Daniel. 

"—hel---" Tanner asked as he held out his hand.

 

Tanner made a motion with his hand, and Daniel reared back as someone touched him from behind. He twisted, still holding onto the bars, pushed with his elbow.

They weren't going to get him this time. He would fight, he would make sure no one hurt him again. He felt himself falling and weight on his middle and then only rage and fear.

* * **

Daniel came to on the floor of the therapy room. He looked up into concerned faces.

"Daniel," Tanner said, his voice clear.

Daniel pursed his lips, blew out. "Wh---wh---"

"It was my fault," Captain Lennox said. Her face was pale as it came into view. "I came up behind you, startled you."

He was sorry—she had a bruise on her chin and he was pretty sure he'd put it there. He reached out towards her. "S--" He couldn't get his tongue and lips to move and he brought his fist to his chest, made small circles. I'm sorry, he signed.

She nodded and moved to his side. "Let Lieutenant Tanner and I get you back into your wheelchair."

Daniel let them help him up and he sat in his chair, feeling defeated. His cheeks burned and he blinked away hot tears, kept his head down. A pair of familiar shoes came into view.

"Doctor Jackson."

Daniel looked up into Doctor Mackenzie's concerned face. 

"Do you want to come with me? Tell me what happened?"

Daniel looked from Mackenzie to the floor and then back to Mackenzie. "I—I---I---" He mimicked writing in his palm and Mackenzie pulled out a small notebook. "I don't know what happened," he wrote.

"Then how about we see if we can figure it out?" Mackenzie asked.

Daniel gripped the armrests of his wheelchair and nodded.

* * * *  
Daniel sat in Mackenzie's office at the SGC and stared at his hands. 

"Would you like to write?" Mackenzie asked, handing him a pad.

Daniel shook his head. I can sign, he signed and looked at Mackenzie with his jaw set.  
There—let him make do with that.

I can sign too, Mackenzie signed back. My youngest son is deaf. Where did you learn?

Well that was a surprise he hadn't wanted, Daniel thought.

Foster family, Daniel signed. Their daughter was deaf. Then college. I needed another language.

We can sign if you want, Mackenzie signed. "Or I can talk and you can sign or write or talk."

Not now, Daniel signed. Later. He felt like he was going to fall out of the wheelchair, exhaustion overtaking him.

"We'll set up an appointment for tomorrow," Mackenzie told him. "You didn't think you were going to get out of mandatory counseling did you?"

Daniel stared at him. He had hoped exactly that—and then he closed his eyes to shut out everything.

* * * *

"You ready to go home?" Jack asked. Daniel looked at him with a hint of panic.

"Home," Daniel said and signed it for good measure. "Yeah."

"Okay then," Jack said. He took hold of the wheelchair.

"No. I walk," Daniel said. He got up with a stubborn set to his jaw.

"Doc?" Jack turned to Fraiser who stood at the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest.

"You know the rules, Daniel," Fraiser said. "Let us take you topside in the chair."

"No. I—I—I—I." Daniel's breathing came faster as he grew stressed. Walk, he signed. 

"Daniel," Jack said. He itched to put out a hand, draw Daniel into an embrace, anything to slow the impending panic. "Daniel, look at me."

Jack waited while Daniel stood and clenched and unclenched his hands and fought to regain control.

"Daniel," Fraiser went up to him, her brown eyes warm with concern. "May I touch you?"

Jack held his breath and was relieved to see Daniel give a sharp nod. 

Fraiser touched his elbow. "Look at me, please. I'll let you walk out of here, but Colonel O'Neill is going to take the wheelchair just in case you need to sit down on the way. How does that sound?"

"Okay," Daniel said. He took a limping step forward, and Jack swallowed a lump in his throat. Jack held his hand up in the universal sign for I'll call you to Fraiser and followed Daniel's slow halting progress down the hall and to his truck.

"Stop," Daniel said when they'd driven a few miles.

"You gonna be sick?" Jack asked. Daniel was pale and sweating as he pulled the truck on the shoulder.

Daniel shook his head, undoing his seat belt and opening the door before Jack even had the truck in park.

"What are you--" Jack slammed it into park, turned on his four way flashers and got out. He walked around the truck to see Daniel on his knees, touching the ground.

"Green," Daniel said and looked up at Jack. There were tears in his eyes. "All green."

"Yeah, it is," Jack said. The last time Daniel had been outside the mountain, the ground had been covered in snow and ice. He'd been rescued from a prison cell that had been underground. The sheer beauty of the green and growing grass must have been overwhelming to his senses. He sat beside Daniel, letting him enjoy the sun and the simply joy of being outside again.

"You ready?" Jack asked after a few minutes. He didn't know that sitting on the shoulder of the road was the best choice. "It's even better at home. Your garden is starting to bloom."

"My gar—garden?" Daniel asked. "I thought it would d-die." 

"Evidently you and Mom picked some pretty hardy plants," Jack said and held out his hand when he got to his feet. Daniel took it and Jack pulled him up gently.

"Home now?" Daniel asked when they were both in the truck again.

"Home," Jack promised and reached out to take Daniel's hand in his.

* * * *

Daniel wandered the yard, touching each small green and growing plant. Jack had no idea what most of them were called—he only knew Daniel and his mom had exchanged letters, real honest to goodness letters filled with pages of garden plans while Daniel was in the infirmary. 

"Perennials," Daniel said when Jack came to his side. It still shook Jack when Daniel could come out with a word like that when telling the cooks in the mess what he wanted to eat could take minutes with Daniel's stuttering and hesitation. Still compared to those first weeks, Daniel's speech had improved immensely. The speech therapist had worked tirelessly with Daniel to bring him this far. As she had explained, there was no brain damage that any scan could find. They all suspected it was the post traumatic stress and trauma and the dawning realization that he would couldn't go through the Gate.

"Yeah?" Jack asked. "What's that one?"

Daniel cupped his hand around the small plant. "Lavender." He went down the raised bed, pointing and touching each plant with the same care he used when handling artifacts. "Thyme. Catmint. Rosemary." He looked at Jack to make sure he was close. "Artmesia. Hyssop. Chamomile."

"You want to take some pictures and send them to mom?" Jack asked him.

"We can d-do that." Daniel nodded in satisfaction. He stopped and swayed slightly.

"How about we go inside?" Jack put an arm around him, relieved when Daniel relaxed into his touch. 

"Sounds nice," Daniel said and followed Jack into the house.

"You want to take a shower?" Jack asked as he headed to the bedroom. He heard Daniel's halting steps behind him as he went up the few stairs one at a time. 

It's imperative that you let Daniel take the lead in things. Don't assume he can't do things for himself. He knows to ask for help if he needs it. Allow him to be independent—he's not helpless. All of Fraiser's admonitions flooded Jack's thoughts. 

Two days, Jack thought. Two days to settle in at home and then it was back to the SGC for him and daily therapies for Daniel. Mackenzie two times per week, speech therapy the days he didn't see Mackenzie, and then physical therapy to continue to build strength. Jack deposited Daniel's duffle bag on the bed while Daniels sat down with a sigh.

"Is your leg hurting?" Jack asked. He was trying very hard not to hover—Fraiser would be proud.

Daniel shook his head. "Fine."

"Sentence please," Jack reminded him.

Daniel glared at him. "I am fine, Ja—Ja--Jack O'Neill." He pulled the duffle bag closer and unzipped it then looked up at Jack. "I am fine."

"Okay," Jack said. He stood there a moment, hands at his sides, aching to help, to do something, anything to make Daniel's life easier. Sure, O'Neill, he thought, find that magic wand that will fix his hearing, fix his leg, fix *him*. "You want to take a shower? Get the infirmary smell off?"

Daniel made a show of sniffing his armpits and wrinkling up his nose. "Are you saying, are you saying I stink?"

"You smell just fine," Jack said and leaned towards him to give him a kiss. Daniel reared back, and Jack froze.

"I'm sorry," Jack said. "I didn't mean to startle you."

Daniel took a deep breath, reached out and touched Jack's cheek. "I love you." He leaned closer and kissed Jack gently before backing off again.

It was enough, Jack told himself. Enough for now. He went into the bathroom, started the shower, hang conservation this once—Daniel always liked the water hot as blazes.

He went back into the bedroom. "I'm going to order some take-out. Do you want anything special?"

Daniel looked at him, shrugged, and went back to his methodical unpacking.

* * * *

Daniel let out a sigh when Jack left. He was exhausted. He was never ever going to admit to Janet that she'd been right in wanting him to use the wheelchair. He didn't know if anyone understood how much effort everything took. At least when it was just Jack and him, listening was easier. 

He looked down at the packet of letters he held in his hand. Rose had written him letter after letter while he was in the infirmary—and he'd replied to them as he recovered. She never once mentioned his injuries although he was sure Jack had explained as much as he could. No, her letters were filled with ideas for the garden, silly stories about her escapades with her friends, and all the minutiae of daily life. He opened the one on the top of the stack, looked at her familiar looping writing.

"The grocery store was so crowded today. Honestly you'd think people had never heard of snow before. And what are they going to do with all the bread, eggs, and milk they buy?" 

Daniel smiled and brushed his fingers over the ink. He really should get up and shower, he thought and yawned. He leaned over onto his side and closed his eyes. He'd get up in a minute, he told himself.

* * * *

"Yeah, Mom, he's home," Jack said as he went to the bedroom to let Daniel know dinner was here. "I'll ask him if he wants to talk to you."

Jack looked in the darkened room and realized the shower was still running. And then he saw Daniel—stretched out sideways on the bed, a letter clutched in his hand—dead to the world.

"Hang on a sec," he told his mom. Jack put the phone down, went in the bathroom and turned off the shower. There were no used towels. Daniel must have fallen asleep as soon as Jack left the room. He picked up the phone and went out into the hall.

"He's asleep," Jack told her. 

"Is he okay?" Rose asked. "Maybe you should check--"

"I think he's exhausted from coming home," Jack said. "Mom, I know you aren't going to want to hear this..."

"Jonathan. I'm not going to visit until Daniel tells me he wants a visitor," Rose interrupted. "He needs time to get used to being home."

Jack didn't know how to tell her he wasn't sure if Daniel would ever want a visitor considering that he tried to push even Carter and Teal'c away lately. "I'd better go, Mom. I promised Janet I'd call her after I got Daniel home."

"The letters—do you think I should keep writing him letters?" Rose asked. "I don't want to upset him."

Jack peeked into the room seeing Daniel surrounded by Rose's letters. "Keep writing, Mom." He hesitated a moment. "I love you."

"I'll call you tomorrow. Maybe he'll want to talk then," Rose said, her voice ever hopeful. "I love you, Johnny. And tell Daniel, I love him best."

"I will."

Jack leaned against the wall, watched Daniel and called Fraiser.

"Colonel O'Neill," she said. "How's he doing?"

"He fell asleep while he was unpacking his duffel bag. We didn't get around to eating supper yet."

"Let him sleep," she ordered. "He's had his meds for the day so he'll be okay until tomorrow morning."

"Got it," Jack said. "And Doc? Thanks."

He placed the phone on the nightstand and sat down on the bed beside Daniel. He wondered if he'd be able to get Daniel into any sort of comfortable position without startling him. 

He placed his hand on Daniel's, gently removed the letter. Daniel didn't so much as twitch. Glasses were next—years of practice had made that an easy task. Daniel's legs were hanging over the side of the bed, and Jack quickly removed his shoes and the brace that Daniel hated. 

"Okay, Danny," he said and maneuvered Daniel fully onto the bed. He wasn't about to try to get him under the blanket so he grabbed the throw that he kept over the back of a chair—one Rose had made for Daniel last Christmas and covered him with it. He prayed Daniel's dreams would be pleasant ones at least. 

The room was dark and quiet except for the soft sound of Daniel's deep breathing. Jack kicked off his own shoes and lay down beside him, breathing in his scent, feeling his warmth. For the first time in months, Jack's house felt like home.


	2. Chapter 2

There was screaming and one of the children was crying. Daniel crouched lower, putting his finger to his lips to remind them to shush. He had to get them across the city. If they could make it, they could get down into the tunnels—and escape. Captain Huang was dead—he'd seen her body in the cell next to his. 

"Daniel," one of the children said, a little girl. "Don't leave us."

"I won't, sweetheart," he said. "I promise." He put out his arms, pulling as many of them into the circle of his arms as he could. "But all of you must listen to me and do exactly what I say." 

They looked at him with such trust Daniel felt overwhelmed. 

"Do you understand?"

They all nodded, from the oldest—a boy who carried a baby who couldn't yet walk to the twins who clasped each other's hands tightly to the little girl whose leg was deformed. Seven of them—he had seven children to get through the city, through a war zone to safety. He took a deep breath and motioned from them to remain still while he scouted a short distance ahead.

They were hiding in the doorway of a burnt out building. The entrance to the tunnel was only across the street, but it meant being out in the open. They'd have to wait until dark and the children were hungry and thirsty. He dug in one of his pockets and found a smashed up candy bar. He divided it carefully, handing each of them a small square. He had no water to give them but he remembered seeing a public fountain a short distance away and there was a battered metal pan in the street in front of them. 

"Tibus," he said to the oldest boy. "Keep them quiet. I need to get us some water."

Tibus nodded, his eyes wary and weary in a way that no child's should be. 

It had been his first mistake—the first of many. The weapon fired against the side of his jaw, right below his ear and he lay sprawled in the dirt by the fountain.

The children, oh god, the children. They had them. He rolled to his side, spat on the ground while the soldiers held the children in front of them.

Don't be afraid, he wanted to tell them when he himself was terrified. I'll keep you safe, he wanted to say but he'd already broken that promise. 

The baby was crying again and one of the soldiers grabbed him from Tibus' arms and threw him against the fountain. The baby lay still, silent and Daniel reached out towards the tiny body. 

No no no no, Daniel's mind gibbered. No no no this couldn't be happening.

Daniel sat up gasping for breath, unsure of where he was. It was dark and someone was next to him. He scrabbled away from that person, fell off the...bed. It was a bed. Jack's house. Jack's bedroom—his and Jack's bedroom. He tried to get to his feet, to outrun the nightmare but his foot twisted under him and he settled for pulling himself towards the wall. 

"Daniel!" Jack was shouting at him. "Daniel."

Light flooded the room and Daniel squeezed his eyes shut against it.

"Stay away." He pushed out his hands, warded off Jack's approach. "No no no." He braced himself against the wall, leaned his head against the cool surface.

"I'm gonna regret this." He heard Jack say but he couldn't open his eyes and see the baby again, see the blood on his hands.

"Daniel," Jack said again. "Nod if you can hear me."

Daniel focused on breathing, on counting slowly backwards from one hundred in Abydonian—he'd use another when he finished he thought. All that mattered was the breathing and the counting. Jack was talking—he could hear him, but breathing took precedence. Breathe, ninety eight, breathe, ninety seven, breathe.

* * * *

Jack's ass was numb but he sat on the floor in front of Daniel and watched him breathe. 

His lover looked a mess---his hair plastered to his head from sweat, tear tracks down his cheeks, and his hands clenched in fists on his lap. Jack wanted nothing more than to gather him up and soothe away the nightmare and knew nothing was that simple.

Daniel had turned his head towards him once but he refused to open his eyes or otherwise acknowledge Jack's presence. So Jack kept up his inane chatter, trying to ground Daniel, remind him of where he was, who he was.

"Jack," Daniel said finally, eyes still closed. Had it been minutes? Hours? Jack had no idea.

"I'm here, Daniel," Jack said, his voice hoarse. 

"Can we get off, get off, get off, the fl-floor?"

Jack got to his feet, suppressed a groan, and held out his hand. He was rewarded by Daniel opening his eyes a slit.

"Wh-what t-t-t-time is it?" Daniel asked as he took Jack's hand, let himself be helped up.

Jack looked at the clock. "Six forty five."

Daniel raised his eyebrows.

"In the morning," Jack said. "You conked out and I conked out beside you."

Daniel nodded. "Okay." He wrinkled his nose in disgust. "I stink."

"Well, I wasn't going to mention it..." Jack grinned.

"I n-n-n-n-need a shower," Daniel said and made no effort to move from leaning against Jack.

"Let's get you sitting and then I'll get you your crutches," Jack told him. He sat him on the bed, placing a kiss on the sweaty head. "You'll feel a lot better after a shower." 

Daniel's stomach gurgled and Jack smiled. "And probably after some food too." His own stomach growled in reply.

"Coffee," Daniel said. 

"And coffee too, my little caffeine addict," Jack promised and kissed him once again.

* * * *

Jack picked up his ringing phone. 

"Hi Mom," he answered. He threw out the food he'd ordered the previous night. He was certain two chicken dinners sitting on his kitchen counter overnight were not safe to eat.

 

"How's Daniel today?" Rose said.

"Hello to you too," Jack replied. He pulled out a carton of eggs. "He's getting dressed. And what are you doing up this early?"

"Jack, I'm always up this early. I just don't normally call you." Rose sounded exasperated.

Jack studied the inside of his fridge. He was definitely going to need groceries but he didn't think Daniel would be in the best of shape for a trip—not with the nightmare that had him huddled on the floor.

"And you didn't answer my question," Rose continued.

"He's okay," Jack said. There was a thumping in the living room and Jack saw Daniel making his way down the steps. "I'll ask him if he wants to talk to you."

Daniel came into the kitchen, his hair standing up on end. He made a beeline towards the coffee maker and stood watching it drip. 

"Mom's on the phone," Jack said. "You want to talk to her?"

Daniel started to shake his head but then reached out and took the phone. Jack counted it as a hurdle overcome.

"H-h-hi R-r-r-r-rose," Daniel said. He poured himself a cup of coffee. "Yes." He held the coffee mug towards Jack who poured in a bit of cream.

Jack turned his attention back to the carton of eggs and a bowl. He shamelessly eavesdropped on Daniel's end of the conversation, pleased to hear Daniel doing his best to communicate.

"I was, was, was, was in the gar-garden," Daniel said and then paused before rattling off the names of the plants without hesitation. His mom must have been talking up a storm because then Daniel was very very quiet. "I will. I p-p—promise." Daniel handed the phone to Jack and then stood at the door, staring outside.

"Mom?" Jack asked as he whisked the eggs. 

"I asked Daniel to call me every day, tell me about things. I thought maybe it would help?" Rose said.

"I think that's a great idea," Jack said. He poured the eggs into the melted butter in the frying pan. "Hey, I'm making breakfast, so--"

"Love you," Rose said. "And kiss Daniel for me. And tell him---"

"I know, I know, you love him best." Jack smiled as he ended the call. He finished scrambling the eggs and divided them between two plates.

Daniel was on his second cup of coffee but he looked ready to eat both his plate and Jack's. Jack leaned over and kissed him.

"What's that for?" Daniel asked.

"That's from Mom," Jack said. "Personally I'd aim for other spots if it was from me." He waggled his eyebrows. Daniel smiled and Jack felt his heart melt just a little. "Oh and mom said to remind you she loves you best."

Daniel smiled again and started eating his eggs. It was only a second before Jack realized just how hungry he was too and began to eat.

* * * *

Daniel stopped at the entrance to the grocery store. He'd been so sure he could go in the store with Jack—shop for groceries like someone normal. His hands were shaking and he hid them in his pockets. 

"Daniel?" Jack turned back to him, his hands already on the shopping cart. 

Daniel ducked his head, not wanting to see that look of concern. "C-car. W-w-wait." Damn it—he couldn't even get a sentence out. A woman brushed past him, her purse bumping against his back.

"Sorry," she mumbled and went in the store as though going in a store was the easiest thing in the world. 

He just had to take one step—that's all it would take and he couldn't move his damn feet. He tried to take a deep breath and it came out a moan instead.

"Here." Jack was at his side, the grocery cart gone, his hand firm on Daniel's bicep. "We can do this another time."

Daniel wanted to shake his head and tell him no, he'd be alright. No—it was okay for Jack to go shopping and Daniel to wait alone in the car, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. 

He was in the car, his seatbelt buckled and he didn't remember doing it. 

"Hey Carter, I was wondering if you'd be willing to pick up some groceries for Daniel and me." Jack was talking on the phone, his voice so matter of fact it made Daniel's eyes water.

He swiped at his eyes and bit the inside of his cheek. He looked out the window, at his hands, studied the gray dashboard in front of him, anywhere but at Jack and understanding.

"It's okay," Jack said. "It happens. It won't last forever."

Daniel wanted to believe him. Jack wouldn't lie to him, would he? He wanted so badly to believe. 

Jack placed a hand on Daniel's thigh and Daniel turned his attention to that—to the faint scar across the back of Jack's pinky where he'd cut himself on a piece of metal when they'd been doing some repairs around the house, to the slight bend in his middle finger from a break years ago, to the way his thumb turned out, and he remembered this hand, Jack's hands running down his body in reverence. He dared to look at Jack who was driving with all his attention on the road, his face impassive. 

He took off his glasses, rubbed his eyes, and swallowed hard. He just wanted his life back.

* * * *

Sam and Teal'c came bearing grocery bags and Daniel stirred from the sofa to greet them.

"How are you feeling, Daniel?" Sam asked as she left the groceries to Jack.

"G-g-good," he told her. He didn't mention how he'd fallen asleep as soon as they'd gotten back home.

She hesitated and then opened her arms. "Can I hug you?"

Daniel nodded and embraced her. "I've missed you."

She squeezed a bit tighter before letting go and then reached up to brush his hair back from his forehead. "We miss you too." She looked back at Jack and Teal'c. "And there's something we need to talk about."

* * * *

"You're sure about this, Carter? Teal'c?" Jack asked. Not that it surprised him. He had made his own request to General Hammond weeks ago. 

"It's the right thing," Sam said. She smiled at Daniel before she looked at Jack. "Going through the Gate without you or Daniel—SG1 will just be different, that's all. Besides..." she looked at Teal'c who smiled knowingly. Too knowingly if you asked Jack. "Teal'c and I—-"

Daniel leaned forward and held his hand out toward Jack. "You owe me."

"Ten bucks," Jack said.

"Fifty b-bucks," Daniel said. He sat back smugly and Sam looked from Jack to Daniel with suspicion.

"You bet on us?" Her voice raised to a register Jack rarely heard from her. 

"It was Daniel's idea," Jack said and grinned when he saw Daniel huff indignantly. 

"I am sure it was not, O'Neill," Teal'c said. "In fact, Samantha and I confided in Daniel Jackson last January."

"You knew?" Jack asked. Daniel was smiling for the first time in hours so the teasing was well worth it.

Daniel nodded. "But not—m-m-my fault?"

"The time's right," Sam assured him. "At least for me it is." 

"As it is for me," Teal'c said. "For both of us." He reached out to take Carter's hand. 

"If you two start making out, you're out of here," Jack said which actually brought forth a laugh from Daniel. "So now that we've got everything all settled, how about we order pizza and enjoy the rest of the evening?"

"Sir, we just filled your fridge with at least 2 weeks worth of groceries."

Jack shrugged. "I think Daniel's hungry for pizza. He had to eat healthy while Fraiser was watching everything he put in his mouth."

Daniel shook his head. "Only if you get get get get pineapple."

"Anything you want," he said and kissed the top of Daniel's head when he went to grab the phone.

No matter the paths their new assignments at the SGC were, SG1 had been and always would be a team, he thought. Now they just had to bring Daniel back as far as he could go.

* * * *

Their days settled into a comfortable routine. Daniel went to his therapies while Jack worked on new training protocols for new recruits to the SGC. By the fourth week, Fraiser and Mackenzie had cleared Daniel to resume working in his office. His speech had improved although the stutter was still there—and most likely always would be, especially when he was stressed. He still limped—the damage to his ankle and foot was permanent and they'd done all they could in rehab. At least he could stand on and walk on it for a time without using the brace. 

It was the therapy days with Mackenzie that were the hardest. Daniel would bury himself in work afterwards and even when they went home, Daniel would be out of sorts. It was rare he'd eat on one of those days and his stutter was always much worse. There were a few times Daniel hadn't been able to speak at all, resorting to sign language which Jack was learning slowly and writing on a small pad he always carried. Mostly though on those nights, Jack held him and knew the nightmares would be bad.

For a time, Jack let himself believe that although Daniel wasn't fit enough to resume his duties on an off-world team, Daniel would fully recover and be the old Daniel—the one who talked at breakneck speed, worked through the night if necessary, and took in new experiences with amazement and wonder.

That was until the day a group of aliens came through the Gate with guns to SG-10's heads and put the base on lockdown. Daniel disappeared at some point during the event, no one knew quite when, and Teal'c found him in a supply closet curled into a corner with his hands over his head and shaking so hard he couldn't stand. And then Jack knew—he knew that it was more than the damaged ankle and foot, more than the stutter, more than the PTSD. It was then he knew that maybe it would be a long time until Daniel went into the grocery store alone or took a walk by himself or even came back to the SGC. It was then he realized that maybe it hadn't just been the mission with SG-18 but the cumulative effect of all the missions—the constant pull of Daniel needing to be a soldier and being asked to always fight for his right to be the voice of reason from powers far above them.

He felt his heart breaking that day and re-read the mission reports from SG-18 and Daniel. Colonel DePaul's and Major Lessing's reports described the horrific conditions of the war-torn city, the team caught up in a battle that seemingly broke out overnight, but little of Daniel as he, Petersen, and Huang had been captured soon after their arrival. Cut off from the Stargate, DePaul and Lessing had thrown their lot in with the displaced natives who were fighting to regain their city from the invaders. DePaul's report described finding Daniel in the cell with Huang and Petersen. Huang already dead, Petersen with a gunshot wound to the head, and Daniel withdrawn into himself. 

It was one paragraph in Daniel's written in third person that Jack knew was the key—so much so that he highlighted that part and sent it onto Doctor Mackenzie. 

'When attempting to escort seven civilians to the tunnels that provided escape from the city,' it read, 'Doctor Jackson and the civilians were captured by the Wayharan special forces. The seven civilians were casualties in the incident and Doctor Jackson was returned to his prison cell in the city.'

For his part, he would provide a safe haven for Daniel, make sure he took his meds, went to therapy, and kept his precarious hold on sanity.


	3. Chapter 3

Rose tapped the dining room table as the phone rang. She hadn't missed a phone call with Daniel since she'd extracted the promise from him. There had been a handful of times when Jack had come on and told her Daniel couldn't speak, but he'd hand the phone to Daniel anyway and Rose would chat while Daniel listened. Most of the nights however Daniel talked—and she'd been happy to note that words came easier now than they had even a few weeks ago. They never talked of things of much consequence—she would ask him to recount his day, much as she had when Jack was a boy in school and she and Patrick would demand an accounting of his day. Luckily Daniel had progressed beyond the "nothing, ma" stage she'd gone through with Jack.

"Daniel?" Rose asked when someone picked up on the other end.

"Rose? This is Sam Carter."

"Sam?" Rose felt her heart begin to pound a bit faster. "Please--" She hadn't meant for that to come out.

"Daniel's okay as is Jack," Sam told her. "Teal'c and I are here for supper. Daniel's cooking something and Jack's supervising."

Rose huffed indignantly. "As if Daniel needs supervision from Jack." And then she realized she didn't know if this new Daniel needed supervision. "How are things with you and Teal'c, Sam?"

She swore she could hear Sam's smile through the phone. "Things are good. Do you want to speak to Daniel now?"

"Yes," Rose said. She held the receiver tightly and took a deep breath as Daniel's familiar voice came on the line.

"H-hi Rose," Daniel said. He sounded a bit breathless. 

"Sam said you're cooking," Rose said. "Are you using one of my recipes?"

"No." Daniel sounded disgusted. "I-I-I told Jack it it it wouldn't w-w-w-work."

"Oh, one of his?" Rose had to laugh. "That's okay. You can always order pizza." She paused. The past week Daniel had sounded exhausted every time she spoke to him. "How are you doing, mhuirnin?"

There was no sound but for Daniel's breathing for a long time. "I'm t-t-t-trying."

"Oh sweetheart, I know you are." Her heart felt like it would break. "Tell me what's going on."

It took him a bit to get started but Daniel managed to talk about a check up with the audiologist, the fact that he went on a walk with Sam and Teal'c earlier in the day, and a new book he was reading. 

"Rose?" Daniel said and then rushed on before Rose could say anything. "I want I want I want you to c-c-come for the holi—holidays. J-j-jack does too."

She could picture him—on the sofa in Jack's den, brows drawn together, chewing his lower lip as if he was afraid she'd say no. "I'd love to."

He let out a whoosh of breath and she heard something in the background.

"Is that your smoke alarm?" she asked.

"Yes," Daniel said. "Call you t-t-omorrow."

Rose held on to the receiver a long time after Daniel hung up. She only hoped her presence would help rather than hurt the man she thought of as a second son.

* * * *  
The airport was exceptionally busy—even with Thanksgiving a week away, it was still crowded with people leaving for warmer climes and others seeking all Colorado had to offer for winter fun. 

Rose looked through the crowd searching for the two people she loved best in the world and spied them. She walked just a bit faster—her days of running long gone. 

"Jack," she called. "Daniel."

Her heart contracted just a little when she grew closer. Daniel was standing by Jack, his right hand clutching and twisting in the the hemJack's shirt—she wondered if he even realized he held it. He was thinner—and the expression on his face was one of worry.

"Mom!" Jack called and pointed out her approach to Daniel.

Daniel lost that worried look for a moment and a brief smile lit his face. "R-rose," he said when she stopped before them. 

She reached out to give him a hug, only to let her arms drop back to her sides when she saw Jack shake his head in warning and Daniel shy back from her touch.

Oh Daniel, she thought. What happened to you, my dear one? 

"Let me take that," Jack said and grabbed her suitcase. He gently untangled Daniel's hand from his shirt.

Daniel shivered and wrung his hands together. 

"Want to give an old lady your arm?" Rose asked.

"N-n-no old old old old lady here," Daniel said but he offered her his arm.

They made their way through the crowds and when they were on the moving sidewalk headed towards Jack's SUV, Rose discovered she was lending more support to Daniel than he was to her. 

"Daniel?" she asked when he appeared to be in a daze.

He blinked hard a few times and then turned to her. "I'm glad you c-came," he told her and gave her a ghost of a smile.

"I'm glad I'm here," Rose said and smiled at him. "Although I'm not so sure you and Jack are going to really be happy with me staying until New Year's."

Daniel snorted. "We l-love you."

Rose looked up at him, cupped her hand on his cheek. "We're family."

Daniel insisted Rose sit in the front seat with Jack while he took the back. They weren't even out of airport traffic before she looked behind her to see Daniel asleep with his head against the window.

"Jack," she whispered.

Jack looked in his rear-view mirror. "Yeah. Coming here was really rough on him. Too many people, too much noise."

Rose dug in her purse for a tissue when she felt tears in her eyes. Damn it, she told herself, do not break down in front of your son.

"I know, Ma," Jack said and covered her hand with his. "He's getting there though."

They chatted softly as they drove back to Colorado Springs. Rose kept sneaking looks to the backseat and a still sleeping Daniel.

"How is he really doing?" Rose asked.

Jack sighed which told her more than words ever would. "Can't leave the house on his own, nightmares, flashbacks."

"You're worried about him," Rose said. She looked back again and then over at Jack. "He's too thin."

"His appetite can be iffy" Jack said. "Here's hoping your cooking will tempt him."

"Cooking I can do," Rose said. She turned again. Daniel was a grown man and she wanted nothing more than to fold him in her arms and tell him everything was going to be okay. Too bad that when one grew up, kissing a hurt didn't make it all better.

She was an O'Neill by marriage and a Hennesey by birth and no matter what, she would not back down. She'd fight as hard as her son to bring Daniel back to them. 

* * * *

Rose was watching him again. Daniel could feel it even if he didn't look at her. He moved through the kitchen, doing the simple routines of making coffee, putting bread in the toaster and pulling out a jar of jam from the fridge.

He thought of telling her he knew she was watching but then clamped his mouth shut. He felt as though they were doing a strange dance—Rose not sure how to treat him now that he was—well what he was now while he didn't know how to let her know he was still the same Dan—no, he corrected himself, he wasn't. It wasn't the hearing or the foot or the way he stuttered and stumbled over words. It was his fear and his cowardice. That was what made him different from the old Daniel. He didn't know where that Daniel had gone. He thought he might have died in the Wayharan prison cell when they threw Huang into the dirt and he heard her cries for mercy while she died, or maybe it had been when they shot Petersen in the head and Daniel listened to the man struggle to breathe or maybe it had been when he thought he'd play the hero and rescue—no, no, no. Don't think of it. Don't remember. Push it down. Hide it. 

"Good morning, Daniel," Rose said and came up beside him. He had to force himself not to flinch away, to drop to his hands and knees and scramble away from the sheer force of her caring.

"Morning," he said, afraid to say more.

"Is the coffee ready?" 

He nodded and grabbed a mug for her, filled it and handed it to her. Their hands brushed and she let her fingers rest on his for a moment. Daniel closed his eyes and tried to think of other times, shared moments over coffee and cake or sitting in the kitchen while Rose told him stories of Jack's childhood escapades.

"You going to join me?" she asked.

"S-s-sure," he said. He poured himself a mug and sat down beside her with a plate of toast in front of them. She chattered away and Daniel let her words wash over him, as she spoke of things that were so normal Daniel could have wept.

* * * *

Rose watched Daniel push his food around his plate yet again. She'd made some of her beef stew—one of Daniel's favorite meals along with Jack's and while Jack was on his third helping, Daniel still hadn't even eaten a quarter of his first.

She longed to hold him in a hug—the silences between them when Jack took himself off to his job each day hung heavy in the air. They'd had snow so she couldn't even drag Daniel outside to weed or plant. She did drive him to two therapy appointments at the Academy Hospital and sat in the bright lobby and waited until he came limping out to her, his eyes hollow and his face blank. 

"Daniel?" she asked. She saw it—the way he pulled himself back from whatever cliff edge he teetered on and forced a brittle smile to his lips. She wanted to tell him he didn't need to pretend—didn't need to try so hard. "Can I get you something else?"

He shook his head. "No. It's g-good." He put a forkful of stew in his mouth and she thought he'd choke as he chewed and swallowed. His eyes slid away from hers and she looked at Jack.

Jack—who looked back at her with pain and the same helplessness she felt. He shook his head.

Rose took a deep breath, forced her own smile, and started talking about her ideas for some Christmas presents for Sam and Teal'c and Janet. She saw Daniel relax minutely as she chattered on about inane matters and it gave her the slightest bit of hope.

 

* * * *

No matter how many hours and days later she would try to recall what happened, Rose would never be able to pinpoint what triggered Daniel's flashback in the store. Was it been the sheer amount of people shopping at a time she'd thought would be less crowded? Was there a sound, a sight that took him back to whatever hell he'd gone through? 

What she did remember was Daniel screaming something she couldn't understand and pushing her back into the shelving, one arm around her waist, the other over her head as he pushed them both down to the floor. 

"Daniel," she said, keeping her voice low. She remembered Jack's flashbacks when he'd first come home from Iraq and Landstuhl, remembered a person lost in a world she couldn't begin to know. "mhuirnin. We're safe."

There was shouting around them and Daniel's arms trembled even as he tried to protect her from enemies that didn't exist any longer. 

"Stay." His voice was hard, a timbre she'd never heard from him. A command given coldly. She looked in his eyes—eyes that looked past her into nightmare—and felt a chill. This Daniel would and had killed to protect someone/something.

She would have been lying if she would have said she wasn't afraid. But it wasn't fear for herself—it was fear for Daniel—for the soul she felt slipping into some dark abyss.

Someone was shouting. "Let her go. Hands up. Sir, put your hands up."

Daniel was beyond hearing, Rose knew. 

"Flashback," she yelled as loudly as she could and saw Daniel wince and turn his head slightly. He put his hand up to cover her mouth.

"Quiet," he hissed. "I told you to be quiet."

"Sir, let her go," the voices got louder. "Sir, we will tase you."

"Stay here," Daniel said. "Don't move." He shifted slightly and his body jerked, fell away from her.

"Oh my God," Rose said, reached out towards Daniel who was twitching on the floor beside her. "Daniel."

Someone else was beside her. "Ma'am, ma'am are you okay? We have you safe."

She looked away from Daniel into the face of a cop. "He's military, flashback," she said before taking a deep breath and gathering her thoughts. "He was trying to protect me."

"Shit," someone beside her said. "Military from the mountain."

"Academy," another voice said. 

She put out her hand, shaking, to rest it on Daniel's head. "He can't speak." When the cop looked at her in confusion, she raced over her explanation. "He understands what we say, has trouble communicating when he's stressed. He couldn't answer you. He's my son." She closed her eyes, sent up a prayer to Mother Mary. Please let him be okay. Please, please.

"He's going to be transported to the Academy Hospital," the first cop said. 

"Doctor Fraiser—Janet Fraiser," Rose said. "His doctor." Her hands would not stop shaking and she touched Daniel again, stroked his hair. His eyes were closed and he made no indication that he was aware of anything going on.

Two paramedics came next to them with a gurney, whisked Daniel away, and Rose let herself be lifted up, guided to a car and taken to the hospital behind the ambulance.

* * * *

"You can stay with him, Mrs. O'Neill," Doctor Fraiser said at the doorway of Daniel's cubicle.

"Thank you," Rose said. "He's not doing very well, is he?" 

"No. Not well." Janet shook her head. "He's been unresponsive since they brought him in." She looked away from Rose to Daniel who lay on his side, his eyes open but blank. 

Rose nodded and wiped her eyes. "He was trying to protect me."

"I know," Janet said. She placed a hand on Rose's shoulder. "We'll help him."

Rose took a deep breath, nodded, and pulled herself to her full height. "I know you will. Has Johnny been told?"

"John...oh Colonel O'Neill. Jack." Janet smiled. "I promise I won't let him know you let that slip. And yes, he's been notified. It just may be awhile until he gets here."

Rose nodded. She pulled a chair close to the bed and took Daniel's lax hand in hers, began to stroke his forearm slowly.

"I'm here," she told him. "I'm here and Jack is coming. You're safe." 

She talked for what felt like hours—of anything and everything. She even shared her recipe for butterscotch fudge which she'd kept secret from everyone. She looked up and saw Daniel blink.

He was watching her—at least she thought he was. He didn't look quite as lost, and if she stopped her stroking, he frowned instead of the slow blinking he was doing.

"Rest, mhuirnin," she said, moving a hand to his hair, smoothing it back as if he was a sick child.

"Rest now and sleep." She leaned closer. Rose had never been under any impression that she was a great or even good singer. She could carry a tune which would have made her Irish grandparents proud but singing was best left to the professionals she thought. She remembered soothing Johnny when he was a baby, singing to Patrick when he was in hospice, and rocking Charlie when he had colic and Sara needed desperately to sleep.

"Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling..." Rose sang the familiar words softly, hoped he heard and let the song be a balm to them both.

She was on her third repeat of the song when she noticed that Daniel's eyes had finally closed and the tenseness that had invaded his body had loosened. 

"I think he's asleep," Rose told one of the nurses who came in for the ten minute checks that had been done since Daniel was brought to this cubicle.

"I think you're right," the nurse whispered back. "I'm going to get Doctor Fraiser."

Janet came in, a soft smile lighting her face when she saw Daniel. "Ah good," she said as she checked the monitors.

"Colonel O'Neill should be here early tomorrow morning," she told Rose. She removed Daniel's hand from Rose's and tucked it under the blanket and motioned for Rose to follow.

Rose stood and, for a moment, couldn't move as dizziness assailed her senses.

"Okay," Janet said. She put an arm around Rose. "I'm guessing no food?"

Rose thought back. "What time is it?"

"Twenty two—ten thirty pm," Janet said.

Rose laughed but it sounded brittle to her ears. "Then no. We had breakfast at eight thirty."

"I think Daniel's going to sleep for some time," Janet said and put her arm through Rose's. "Come on. We can round up some food in the cafeteria."

Rose let herself be led away as she heard one of the nurses softly humming as she went about checking Daniel's vitals.

* * * *

"How is he?" Sam came up to Janet and Rose with Teal'c right behind her. 

"Sam? Is Jack with you?" Rose asked, looking behind her.

"No, no. Teal'c and I were at home and a report about Daniel was on the news."

"It was on the news?" Janet asked.

"A station was nearby covering an event and sent a camera person to the store," Teal'c informed them. "We viewed it and realized Daniel Jackson would be brought here."

"Oh no," Rose said. "How dare they!"

Janet shook her head. "I'm going to make a few phone calls," she said and stalked off.

"I wouldn't want to be on the other end of Janet's wrath," Sam said and sat down by Rose. "I'm sure Jack will be here as soon as he can." She took Rose's hand. "How's he doing?"

Rose shook her head and Sam felt her own eyes fill with tears in sympathy with Rose's. 

"I kept telling them he was only trying to protect me," Rose said. "You know he wouldn't hurt me, or any of us on purpose. And now he's—Sam, he hasn't responded to anyone."

"I know," Sam said and put her arm over Rose's shoulders. She looked up at Teal'c. He sat down on the chair next to hers and placed his hand on her knee, gave it a gentle squeeze. 

"We will remain with you, Rose O'Neill and we will ensure that Daniel Jackson comes to no further harm."

Sam smiled at him and mouthed a thank you.

"He was lost," Rose said then. "It was as if he'd gone somewhere far away after they--"

Sam hugged her close. "Then we'll bring him back to us." 

"I will procure some tea for us," Teal'c said and gave Sam a knowing look.

"Rose, you must be exhausted," Sam said. She took in the smudges under Rose's eyes. "Why don't you stretch out here and rest? Close your eyes for a bit." Sam patted the cushions. Rose nodded and Sam helped her lie down. She took off her coat and covered Rose with it. 

"Teal'c and I will keep watch," she said. She might not have gone through the Stargate in months, but some habits never would break, she suspected.

"Would you like to see Daniel Jackson, Samantha?" Teal'c asked. "I will watch over Rose O'Neill."

Sam nodded. "I need to. I need to see him if they'll let me."

Teal'c nodded and held out his hand. She took it and he drew her into an embrace and kissed her before lightly touching her belly.

"Daniel Jackson is strong," Teal'c reminded her. "You know his strength."

Sam nodded, rested her head against his chest for just a moment, gathered her own strength before she went to see her friend.

* * * *

Doctor Mackenzie felt sick. He'd watched the footage caught from the security cameras at least five times and it still bothered him. Colonel Welkins and General Hammond were deep in conversation with the lawyer for the police officers involved and the chief of police while Mackenzie watched the footage showing the police officer who had deployed his taser once more.

It was obvious Daniel was in the throes of a flashback—and the cop had shot him in the back. Daniel had not once made a threatening movement towards anyone—his only action had been to try to protect Rose O'Neill from the demons that haunted him. 

Mackenzie felt even sicker. He glared at the lawyer for the police. "You realize that Doctor Jackson would be in his rights to sue the--"

"Doctor Mackenzie," General Hammond said, his voice in command mode. "Colonel Welkins and I are in total agreement with you; however, we need to find a solution to the incident."

Incident. Mackenzie hated the word. Even Daniel's final written report had included those words. Incident—as if people were just commodities and not living breathing beings. He needed to get out of here and to the Academy Hospital to see Daniel, to try to heal wounds that he feared had been ripped wide open, but duty kept him here so he listened to the negotiations and hoped Daniel was being surrounded by those who loved him. Fear curled in his gut—Daniel was walking the fine edge as it was and he didn't want to believe this would tip him over. If it did, he didn't know how much rope it would take to pull him back to them.

* * * *

Sam sat by Daniel's bed, feeling helpless.

"Daniel." 

She called his name again and touched his hand, which lay unresponsive under her touch. He didn't even twitch or turn his head towards her, just continued staring into space. 

"Oh Daniel." She felt tears come to her eyes and tried to force them down. Damn hormones. She brought his hand to her belly. 

"It's a secret," she told him. "No one else other than Janet knows.Teal'c and I wanted you to be the first." She watched him continue to blink slowly even as she held his hand tightly. "It's okay to come back. You're safe." She let her tears fall on their hands. If only tears were magic, she thought, that could bring a lost soul home from the void.

* * * *

"Major Carter," Doctor Mackenzie said.

She turned from her place at Doctor Jackson's bed, her face red and eyes tear-swollen. She wiped her eyes as he entered.

"Doctor," she said and stood up.

Mackenzie looked past her to Doctor Jackson. "Has he responded to you?"

Major Carter shook her head. "I've been talking to him but he—he—I don't know if he knows I'm here."

"Sam," Janet said behind him. "If you could go wait with Rose and Teal'c?" 

Major Carter went past them, and Janet took her hand for a moment, gave her a sad smile. "We'll let you know."

He went closer to the bed. "Doctor Jackson." He didn't like what he saw. Dissociation. Catatonia. Daniel had retreated to what Mackenzie hoped was the safety of his own mind—that was better than the fear that he was trapped in a nightmare and couldn't bring himself out of it.

"Rose said he appeared to know her for a brief period," Janet said by his side.

"Rose?" Mackenzie asked. "Oh, Mrs. O'Neill." He kept his attention on Daniel, pinched the skin between his thumb and forefinger. Damn, no response. "Any idea when Colonel O'Neill is getting here?"

"0400," Janet said. She studied the monitor. "The incident was on the news."

"I know," Mackenzie said and motioned for her to follow him to the nurses' station. 

"I want someone in there with him twenty four seven," Mackenzie said. He looked at the chart Janet handed him and typed his med orders in the laptop at the desk. 

 

Janet nodded. "Already done. Hand picked staff. You're not thinking of transferring him to mental health?"

Ian leaned against the counter. "That's the last thing I want to do. We're going to treat him here." He rubbed his forehead. "And his team and Mrs. O'Neill? Allow them visitation at any time."

Janet patted his arm. "We're going to get him back." 

Mackenzie stared at the door. "I hope so. Good Lord, Jan, I hope so."

* * * *

Whatever it was was bad. Jack knew it as soon as he hit the ramp in the SGC with his team of recruits and Hammond was waiting at the base. 

"What happened?" Jack asked, his mouth dry. His mind went to his mom, to Daniel, to Carter and Teal'c. A second glance at Hammond reassured him slightly. Hammond looked pissed off which wasn't a sight often seen.

"Come with me, Colonel," he said, dismissing the team of six bedraggled and wet recruits with a nod.

"General," Jack said as they headed towards Hammond's office. "Just tell me everyone is alive."

"No one is dead, Colonel O'Neill, but I don't think you're going to like what I have to tell you." He motioned for Jack to sit and closed the door behind them.

"So—" Jack sat at attention, conscious of his wet BDU's and muddy boots messing up General Hammond's office.

"Your mother and Doctor Jackson went to the grocery store yesterday morning. Doctor Jackson had a flashback, was trying to protect your mom and somehow the police got involved and tasered him."

"He's in jail? For a flashback?" Jack didn't understand. Why was Daniel being punished for something he couldn't control?

"He's in the Academy Hospital," General Hammond said. Jack looked at him and saw the sorrow in his eyes. "He's been awake but unresponsive since they brought him in. Doctor Mackenzie said he's retreated into his own mind for protection." 

Jack shook his head. "He was making progress, General. He was doing—he was so happy Mom came for the holidays." He didn't want to believe what George was telling him. 

"I know. There's something else." General Hammond paused and then rushed on. "The media has picked up the story. It's been on all the local news. Thankfully we've prevented it from going national."

Jack felt sick. "Just what Daniel needs." He gestured at his own state. "I need to shower and change and..."

"I'll be taking you," Hammond said. "I can fill you in on the meeting we've already had with the police department and their legal team."

* * * *

It was even worse than Jack had thought. Daniel's report had mentioned the probe- like weapons used by the Wayharan Special Forces. Surely the very fact that a taser had been used had sent Daniel back to that very dark place in his mind.

 

And it felt like betrayal—Daniel had been doing so well. He'd been talking more and thank heavens, smiling more and although he wasn't back at the SGC working, he would venture into the backyard alone and even walk down the block by himself. Now—what? It was all shot to hell. 

There was a part of him that believed, even after George had told him of Daniel's condition, that he'd walk into Daniel's room and his mere presence would be enough to bring Daniel back to them. He'd place his hand over Daniel's still one and Daniel would look at him with recognition and say something, anything.

Teal'c was keeping vigil, sitting in the chair beside Daniel's bed while a nurse busied herself at the small counter in the corner of the room. 

"O'Neill," Teal'c said but didn't relinquish his position by Daniel's side.

"Where's Carter and my mom?" Jack asked. "Did Fraiser send them home?"

"Samantha and Rose O'Neill are sleeping in a nearby room," Teal'c informed him. "Doctor Fraiser believed that they both needed adequate rest."

Jack nodded and looked at Daniel who was staring into space and oh so very still.

"Take a break, Teal'c," Jack said. He waited while Teal'c got to his feet. "And thank you."

Teal'c nodded and took a step away before turning back to Jack. "We will not let Daniel Jackson slip away from us, O'Neill."

Jack swallowed hard. "I know." He sat down by Daniel's side and took Daniel's hand in his. He squeezed it gently. "I'm here, Daniel," he whispered. "Sorry it took so long but you know how recruits can be."

His heart sank when there was no response. He reached up to touch Daniel's cheek and turn his face towards him. There was no resistance, but Daniel's expression was blank, his eyes empty.

"Danny," Jack said hoping using the nickname would help. But there was still no response. He rubbed his thumb on the back of Daniel's hand, feeling familiar bones—the shape of Daniel's hands memorized over the years. He sighed and launched into a description of his trip to P2T-111 with the new recruits. 

"Sir."

Doctor Fraiser's warm voice startled him out of a half doze minutes or maybe it was hours later. Jack straightened and looked at Daniel who was on his side, blinking slowly, his hand still tangled with Jack's. 

"Daniel?"

There was no answer, no sign of Daniel in there. He turned to face Fraiser who was accompanied by Doctor Mackenzie and another doctor he didn't recognize. They had some sort of equipment with them.

"This is Doctor Lawrence," Fraiser said. "He's a neurologist."

"Neurologist?" Jack looked from Fraiser to Mackenzie to Lawrence and then to Daniel before turning his attention back to Fraiser. "His brain?"

"We're going to do an EEG," Doctor Lawrence explained. 

"We'll need you to leave, Colonel," Fraiser said. "Why don't you go get something to eat—take Rose with you? And you need some sleep yourself."

Jack nodded and let go of Daniel's hand. "I'll be back as soon as I can, Daniel."

"A word, Colonel O'Neill," Mackenzie said as Jack rose. When Jack motioned for him to speak, he shook his head.

"Outside," Mackenzie said. They left the room and Mackenize closed the door behind him. 

"I didn't want to speak in front of Doctor Jackson," Mackenzie said. 

"So this EEG?" Jack asked. He leaned against the wall, his head pounding with the need for sleep and food.

"A precaution," Mackenzie said. He looked at Jack. "He's been unresponsive since he's arrived except for a moment when Mrs. O'Neill said he appeared to recognize her."

"Just waiting for an excuse to take him to Mental Health, Doctor?" Jack nearly spat out the words.

"I'm not the enemy, Colonel," Mackenzie said, unperturbed by Jack's venom. "If you want to find that, the SGC would do well to look in the mirror over the past few years."

Jack shook his head. "I seem to remember a certain someone telling us about the danger of schizophrenia on unstable..."

"Is this helping Doctor Jackson?" Mackenzie interrupted. "Because whatever issues you have with me, Daniel does not."

 

Jack looked at the closed door and took a deep breath. Daniel deserved better than he was giving. "You're right," he admitted however much it pained him to say the words. "So..."

"He's staying here with nurses in the room twenty four seven and unlimited access by SG-1 and Mrs. O'Neill," Mackenzie said. "At least until we're sure he's not a danger to himself or others."

"Danger to himself or others? He's in there looking like a damn zombie. What could he possibly..." Jack trailed off, afraid that if he said more, his voice would break.

Mackenzie sighed. "Take a good look at your mother's arms, Colonel O'Neill and then tell me if allowing Daniel to leave here is a good idea."

Jack felt his stomach flip-flop. "Danger to others," he murmured, and then an even more horrible thought occurred to him. "You have him on suicide watch."

Mackenzie said nothing for a long minute, only looked at him over the tops of his glasses. "Colonel, go get a meal and then rest. We've the room open next door," Mackenzie said with what Jack could only interpret as sympathy. "You can't do anything for him right now." He waited at the door until Jack stepped back.

Jack walked back to the small waiting room where Teal'c and his mother sat waiting. 

"Let me see your arms," Jack said. He had to clear his throat twice before the words came out without cracking.

Rose looked up at him, eyebrows raised, before her gaze slid to her hands which were resting on her lap.

"Mom," Jack squatted in front of her, knew he'd regret it when he tried to stand. "Please." He touched her wrist and waited.

She slid the sleeves of her sweater up to her elbows, and Jack closed his eyes at the sight of the bruised skin—individual fingers visible. "He didn't mean to hurt me," Rose whispered. "Johnny, please believe that."

"I do, Mom. I know he didn't." Jack met her unwavering gaze. "I know Daniel didn't mean to hurt you. He would never, but..."

"It is not your fault, Rose O'Neill," Teal'c said. "Neither is it Daniel Jackson's."

Rose put her hand on Jack's cheek and he covered her cold fingers with his own. "What are we going to do? How are we going to bring him back?"

Jack shook his head. He wanted to give in to his anger—at the Wayharans, at Mackenzie and Fraiser who didn't have any answers, and if he admitted it, at Daniel. He wanted to shake him—tell him to snap out of it, to buck up. He wanted to believe that all Daniel had to do was change his thinking, just start wanting to be better. And he knew it was a lie—a dangerous lie. 

"I don't know," he finally said and that started a chill deep in his heart.

* * * *

"Music," Rose said as she sat across from Jack in the hospital cafeteria. 

Jack pushed the plate away—the turkey sandwich had no flavor and his stomach ached and twisted every time he remembered Daniel's blank eyes staring into nothingness. "Music?"

"I sang to him." Rose leaned forward. "And no smart comments, Jack. I am still your mother."

"Mom." Jack rubbed his forehead. He had a headache—lack of sleep, lack of food, and worry. "What the hell are you talking about?" He held up his hands. "Sorry."

"You aren't," Rose said. "But there was a brief moment when Daniel seemed to know me—or at least not be lost inside his--" she gestured to her head. "And the nurse was humming and he fell asleep."

Jack's heart pounded. Maybe, just maybe. And really it wasn't like providing music in Daniel's room was going to hurt him. He looked at his watch. Almost twenty four hours, Jack figured since the incident and Daniel was still locked in his own mind, unable to reach out to them. He stood so quickly his chair fell backwards onto the floor, loud and harsh in the room. "It's worth a try," he said, feeling like maybe just maybe there was hope.


	4. Chapter 4

It was nice where he was—warm and safe. He heard voices—familiar voices asking him to come back and saying other things but he couldn't understand. And why would they want him back with them? He'd failed them—failed people he'd promised to protect, people he'd worked with, people he'd---go back to the warmth and the quiet. The quiet was safe, the quiet would protect him.

People touched him and there were beeps and sharp pains that came and went and then—then there was someone, someone he knew and loved and who loved him.

Jack. That was the name. He pulled other names close—Rose and Sam and Teal'c and Janet. He thought they might care. And then through the quiet there was something else. He started to recognize them by the music they brought with them.

Sam was bright and brassy and Teal'c heroic soaring scores. Rose brought soft sounds, hushed and holy, and Jack music of pain and loss and love and triumph. And when those sounds left there was the soft sound of rain or birdsong or the heartbeat of the sea. 

He ate food they put in front of him and let Jack and Teal'c guide him through halls he knew he'd walked before to a room with a view of mountains and sky. Doctor Mackenzie made him stay there for a time each day although Daniel had no idea how long. He would ask questions and Daniel would write some words and then Jack or Teal'c would walk him back to his safe place—to the warmth.

And one day the world came back to him with crystal clarity. He opened his eyes in the morning and wrote "Go home" on the notebook by his bed. Teal'c read the note and came back with Janet who spoke to him quietly. Doctor Mackenzie came and smiled at him and spoke to him alone. Daniel wrote his answers—when he tried to speak, his throat tightened and he kept his silence. Mackenzie left him with a kindly pat on his hand and then Jack was there and there was more talking to him and around him, and he clutched his notebook so tightly, the wire bit into his knuckles. But then Janet and Mackenzie said yes and Jack hugged him and when they got in the truck and drove a short distance away, Jack kissed him too. 

Rose was at the house, smiling and ready to embrace him even though he saw question in her eyes. She asked him questions he could answer—What do you want to eat? How do you feel? Are you tired? and gave him tasks to keep him busy—shred the chicken, cut the carrots, reach that bowl on the highest shelf, untangle these Christmas lights—and she didn't care that he couldn't bring himself to speak.

He realized they'd missed Thanksgiving and he signed sorry, but Rose bent and kissed him on the crown of his head while he sat at the kitchen table untangling those lights for her. 

"Don't ever apologize for what they did to you," she whispered to him. 

He nodded and tried to make his mouth move—the words were there—I love you, thank you, I'm glad you're here—but they got caught in his throat because he knew if he gave in and let the words out, then all the words would have to come. Even the words that he didn't want Mackenzie or Jack or Sam or Teal'c to hear. Because if the words came out, Daniel knew, then it would be true. What had happened on Wayhara—his failure, his broken promise—would be real and he'd have to see the children's faces again.

Jack lay beside him at night, held him when he trembled, but didn't push. And Daniel would place his hand on Jack's chest—middle and ring fingers folded to his palm, pinky and index fingers and thumb extended—I love you in the only way he could say it. Jack would cover his hand with his own, kiss him, and whisper, "Me too" into the darkness.

In the morning, he'd wake up and do it over again, and allow Jack to take him to Doctor Mackenzie and he'd stare out the window and wonder if he'd ever be able to tell someone the truth.

* * * *

I can't talk, Daniel signed. 

"Then I guess you're lucky you have the one psychiatrist in the SGC who understands ASL," Doctor Mackenzie said.

Daniel looked at him, glared. No talk, he signed.

Okay, Mackenzie signed back. I won't talk either. What happened to those seven civilians?

Daniel backed up, his eyes wide and his breath coming hard and fast. No. No.

Tell me, Mackenzie signed. 

Daniel looked down at his hands, the words in them. 

The baby lay dead by the fountain, blood pooling beneath his head. Tibus screamed at the soldiers, sobbing while the other five children looked at him, silent and in shock, at Daniel to save them. One of the guards used that same weapon on his back—the probe piercing the skin near his tailbone, his right leg going numb and making him fall as he tried to take step towards them.

"It's going to be okay," he told the children. He wanted them to believe it even he didn't.

"Let them go," he pleaded with the soldiers. "Please. Take me. But let them go. They're innocent."

One of the men spat in his face and pushed him back to the ground. He raised his weapon and shot Tibus. The probe went into the boy's head and he screamed once before he fell to the ground. 

"Tibus?" One of the twins said and pushed at the soldier holding her back. He backhanded her and twisted her arm.

Tibus was dead, Daniel knew it. He knew it from the boneless look of the body, the open eyes, accusing him. He kept pleading with them. 

"Please let them go. Please. They're babies. They're children. They've done nothing wrong."

But the soldiers didn't care. Didn't they have children of their own? Nieces, nephews? Daniel had never been a father, uncle, not even a big cousin, but they were *children*. Innocents, the hope for the future, and they were killing them without a second thought. Why? 

He fought against the two men holding him back, screamed his rage as they used the probe on the twins. They lay twitching, their mouths opened in silent screams and in their dying, they reached out to each other. 

"Watch," one of the soldiers ordered when Daniel twisted from them. "Scum. Vermin." And still Daniel fought—he took a blow to the face, multiple blows to his abdomen that had him doubled over and gasping. He didn't see them kill two of the children—only heard their screams as they died, saw their blood at his knees.

They had the youngest girl on the ground, the one who looked like Sha're must have when she was just a child. And one of the soldiers had opened his pants.

"No!" Daniel screamed at him. "No! She's a child!"

She was crying, alone and so very afraid. And Daniel had promised to protect them. He had promised and he was failing. She was looking at him, her brown eyes pleading him to make them stop, pleading for release from the horror.

"Take me," Daniel cried, sobbing. "Take me." God, they could do anything to him, but she was just a child!

They laughed. They fucking laughed and used her and she cried and trembled and Daniel was helpless to stop them.

When they were done, she lay broken and bleeding and they let him crawl to her. She was dying—a shot to her gut had taken care of that. 

"Shh...shhh." Daniel stroked her hair back from her face. "Don't be afraid. I'm here."

Her mouth opened and closed but made no sound. She kept her eyes on his even though he doubted she really saw him. 

They pulled at him and he realized they were going to let her die in the filth of the street, alone and hurt and dying and afraid. He knew what he had to do—Jack had taught him—a lesson he'd hoped he'd never need. 

"Don't be afraid," he said as he moved his hands lower to her neck. "I'm here. Close your eyes. Can you close your eyes?"

* * * *

Jack heard something fall in Mackenzie's office when there had been only silence except for the sound of walking. He didn't give a damn about protocol—afraid he was going to open the door and see Mackenzie flat on the floor and Daniel standing over him.

"What's---" He stopped as Mackenzie held up his hand.

Daniel was on the floor, on his side. "I killed her. I *killed* her." His breath came out in harsh sobs. "I killed her."

"Doctor?" Jack didn't know what to do, but Mackenzie appeared to have forgotten Jack had burst into his office.

"Jack is here, Daniel," Mackenzie said as he knelt by Daniel. "Do you want him to stay or go?"

Daniel signed something and Mackenzie nodded. 

"He wants you to stay, Colonel." 

Jack nodded and got to his knees. He looked to Mackenzie who nodded again when Jack reached out to touch Daniel's shoulder. 

"T—t---tell him. Tell him." Daniel shuddered under his hand and Mackenzie got to his feet, grabbed a throw from the back of the couch. Holy shit, he really did have a couch in his office. He handed it to Jack, motioned for him to give it to Daniel. 

Thank you. It was one of the signs Jack recognized without thought and he pressed his hand to Daniel's cheek before getting to his feet. Mackenzie motioned for him to follow and they walked into the outer office where Mackenzie stood with a view towards Daniel.

"What does he want you to tell me?" Jack demanded. "What was he talking about? Kill?"

"He told me what happened on Wayhara, what happened to those seven civilians. They were children, Colonel. One was an infant," Mackenzie lowered his voice. "He was trying to get them to safety. They got caught and they killed the children in front of Doctor Jackson."

Jack felt behind him, grabbed the back of the chair to keep himself upright. "Oh God."

"The last girl was--" Mackenzie wiped his face and held up a finger. When he finally spoke again, his voice was caught on the words. "They assaulted her, shot her in the stomach and Daniel--"

"Stopped her suffering," Jack said. "But---" He was going to be sick. He looked around frantically and felt a wastebasket pushed into his hands. He threw up, couldn't breath for a moment. "Oh God, Daniel." His eyes teared—for Daniel, for the children, for Mackenzie who'd unlocked the key.

"Yes," Mackenzie said. He looked back at Daniel who was still lying on the floor. At that moment, Jack knew—he knew that the only person that could have helped Daniel was Mackenzie. He would have reached out to comfort him, tried to keep him from saying what needed to be said, held him before he lanced the wound.

"He talked," Jack said.

"He did," Mackenzie said and handed Jack some tissues. "He signed most of it, but yes, he did talk."

"Do you think..." Jack let the question go unfinished. There wasn't an answer Mackenzie could give him now. And knowing Mackenzie the answer would be I don't know.

"I'm going to give him a sedative if he'll let me," Mackenzie said. "And he'll most likely sleep until morning."

"Nightmares?"

"I'm hoping no. My guess is no." Mackenzie went back into his office, bent down and spoke to Daniel while Jack stood and watched. It was a testament to trust and exhaustion that Daniel agreed to the sedative. 

They got Daniel to his feet and he leaned into Jack. 

"You have my numbers, Colonel. If you need to, call." Mackenzie shepherded them towards the door. "I'll be by your house tomorrow afternoon." He led them towards a different exit. "I'll have someone get your car and bring it around. My guess is the vultures are still out there."

Jack nodded. "I keep hoping for something more exciting to take their minds off Daniel."

"I'll call General Hammond," Mackenzie said as Jack handed him the keys. "Maybe some well placed phrases of national security will wake them up."

"J-j-jack?" Daniel asked when Mackenzie left. "Cold."

"Yeah, I know," Jack held him closer. "We'll get you home and you'll feel better."

Daniel said nothing more, just rested his head on Jack's shoulder and cried silent tears.

* * * *

"No questions, Mom," Jack said as he led a mostly pliant Daniel into the house. "Please."

Rose looked at them—at Jack who looked as if he'd aged ten years in an hour, at Daniel who was barely on his feet, his eyes puffy, one hand clutching Jack's arm—the only thing she suspected keeping him upright.

"What do you need me to do?" she asked. Please, she thought, please give me some way to help.

"Maybe some tea? Broth? Soup?" Jack threw out the suggestions as he guided Daniel towards the bedroom.

Rose busied herself in the kitchen—her hands taking over when her mind went to the two men she loved in the bedroom. She fought back tears and stirred broth on the stove. She rummaged in the cabinets for some crackers, found juice in the fridge, and tea in the canister. Tea bags, she sniffed. Daniel was incorrigible. She really needed to teach the boy the fine art of making tea. At least it was chamomile which would help.

She prepared a tray and carried it carefully up to them. Jack had left the door open and Rose cleared her throat. 

"You should have called," Jack said. "I would have carried it."

Rose shook her head. "No bother." 

"Rose?" Daniel looked at her and for the first time since he'd been home from the hospital she felt he really saw her. His voice was hoarse and it sounded as if he had a sore throat.

"Drink your tea, mhuirnin," she said when he held out his hand. She took it, stroked back his hair from his heated face. "And then rest."

"Thank you," he told her. He kept his eyes closed and she patted his hand once, twice, kissed his forehead and gave Jack a look that meant, you'd better take good care of him.

Rose left the bedroom, heard Jack speaking to Daniel in low tones. She closed the door and went back to the kitchen, cleaned up, and then sat in Jack's living room. 

She turned on the TV, found a channel playing Christmas music, and studied the tree Jack had put up yesterday. She resisted the very strong urge to decorate, even though her fingers itched to do something, anything. But no, she promised herself, Daniel and Jack were going to decorate and she'd help. Somehow the thought of the two men she loved so very much doing something as mundane as decorating a tree made her believe that life would go on. 

And then it dawned on her—for the first time since he'd been in the hospital, Daniel had spoken. Rose smiled. 

* * * * 

Jack encouraged Daniel to drink the rest of the tea, to sip the chicken broth his mom had provided, and to eat a few crackers. 

Daniel did as he was bid, kept looking at Jack and then nodding, as if he was reminding himself of something. 

For his part, Jack kept a hand on Daniel's shoulder or knee and murmured quiet words of comfort. He watched as Daniel fought off sleep, the sedative Mackenzie had given overcoming Daniel's need to stay awake.

"Let's get you more comfortable," Jack said as Daniel leaned against him, his head on Jack's shoulder, his hands loose in his lap. "C'mon." Jack moved his shoulder and Daniel made a soft sound.

Between Jack's reminders and steadying presence, they managed to get Daniel into a pair of old threadbare pajama pants and a t-shirt that hung on him. 

Daniel grabbed his hand when he lay down and Jack bent to kiss him. 

"Just getting you a pair of socks," Jack told him. He found a pair, slipped them on ice-cold feet and then gathered Daniel back into an embrace. "Sleep, Danny." 

Daniel closed his eyes and then jerked up in Jack's arms. "No dreams."

"No dreams," Jack told him. "Shh..." He began a slow massage of Daniel's temple, letting his fingers wind into Daniel's hair, trail down Daniel's arm. Slowly he felt Daniel relax, give in to the sleep he resisted. He didn't move for what felt like a long time, but soon Daniel was boneless in his arms, lost in a sleep so deep Jack didn't think he'd be able to wake him if he tried.

He shifted out from under him, replaced the hold Daniel had on him with a pillow and covered him with an extra blanket. For once, Daniel looked at peace and Jack swallowed hard. He gathered up the tray and left the room, letting the door remain open in case Daniel awoke and needed him.

He heard quiet Christmas music playing as he went down the stairs and saw his mom sitting in the living room. Jack went in the kitchen, started the dishwasher, and grabbed two beers from the fridge.

"Hey," he said when he sat down across from his mom. He offered her a beer and took a long swig from his own.

He smiled as Rose took a swallow.

"You know I've always hated beer," Rose said.

"And yet..." Jack said, waving his own bottle at her.

"Needs must," Rose said and put the bottle on the coffee table. "How is he?"

Jack sighed. "Asleep. The doc gave him a sedative." Jack rolled the bottle between his hands. "He'll be out all night."

"He was talking," Rose said and she leaned over to touch Jack's hand. "Talking."

Jack nodded. If he closed his eyes, he still heard Daniel yelling—I killed her. "Yeah."

They sat in relative silence—Jack afraid that if he spoke, he'd tell his mom everything.

Rose gathered up the bottles—hers still nearly full and Jack's empty and came back from the kitchen with a mug that she pressed into Jack's hands.

Jack looked up. "Tea?"

"With sugar," she said and motioned for him to drink.

He held the mug and let the heat seep into his fingers. It couldn't chase away the inner chill of the quick description Mackenzie had given of Daniel's nightmare on Wayhara. 

"It was the children that always bothered your father," Rose said while cheery Christmas music played in the background. "The children he couldn't save, the ones that he tried so hard to save."

Jack looked up at her in surprise. "He never talked about it."

Rose shook her head. "No. But I knew. I held him when he cried." 

"You know the rules, Mom," Jack said and drank some more of the tea. 

"I do. As do you and Daniel," Rose said. "He's not a soldier, Johnny, but I see the same look in his eyes I saw in yours and your father's. And maybe he's been asked to be one for too long."

"Mom," Jack began and then thought better of it.

"Did you know that when your father was in hospice and the fire alarms sounded, he would try to get out of bed?" Rose covered Jack's hands with hers. "He couldn't stop being who he was even when he was dying."

"Daniel's not dying," Jack said, suddenly angry.

"You know what I mean, Jonathan Patrick," Rose said. 

That was it—Jack did know. This mission had been the proverbial final straw—the one that broke Daniel's back. Too many times of being asked to kill, to fight with guns instead of words, to find solutions that were then ignored and pushed aside, to watch friends and colleagues and innocents die. God, Daniel, Jack thought. What have we asked you to become?

Rose dropped a kiss on his head, patted his shoulder and took herself to bed. And Jack sat in the dark living room and realized that it wasn't Daniel who was broken, it was the SGC.

* * * *

Daniel woke to sun streaming in the windows of their bedroom. He rolled over and stretched into the space Jack had been. Jack's side of the bed was cool and Daniel lay awhile just breathing in Jack's scent. He felt—he felt like he could face the day for the first time since Wayhara. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for just a few more minutes. 

His body ached—muscles that he'd held tight for weeks, perhaps months letting him feel their release. He sat up when his bladder let him know he had no choice. 

He grabbed his brace, put it on his right calf and foot and limped his way to the bathroom. Jack had taken a shower earlier—a wet towel over the rack. His stomach let him know he needed food but first...Daniel looked longingly at the shower. He stripped and started the water. For once, he didn't feel the need to compulsively wash away his guilt and shame. He leaned his forehead against the tiles and knew he needed to ask Sam and Teal'c to come to the house.

He could hear the children's voices—see their faces looking up at him with hope and so much trust.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If I could have given my life for yours, for even one of yours it would have been worth it. 

He felt hot tears come to his eyes and let the water wash them away, but this time they served as more release. He finished scrubbing his hair, his body and got dressed—Mackenzie's words from a few months back coming to him. 

"If you can't handle a day, Doctor Jackson, then you handle an hour. And if not an hour, then a half hour. And if that's too much, then you handle a minute. You can face life a minute at a time."

Daniel took a deep breath and left the bedroom.

* * * *

Jack looked up from his crossword puzzle when Daniel entered the kitchen. 

"I thought maybe you were going to sleep the day away," he said, but he smiled and winked at Rose.

"Uh huh," Daniel said and headed for the coffee maker. He poured himself a cup and let out a sigh after drinking half the mug.

"How are you feeling?" Rose asked. 

Jack pushed a chair out with his foot and watched Daniel carefully. Daniel's face screwed up the way it had those first weeks back when he was struggling so hard to speak.

"Better," Daniel finally said and sat hard-breathing after getting the word out.

Rose patted his hand. "We haven't eaten yet. Could you eat something? Eggs? Pancakes? Waffles?"

"Sentences," Jack murmured, leaning close.

"Waffles w-w-would be g-good." Daniel got out and smiled at Rose.

"Waffles it is. Bacon or sausage?" Rose shared a look with Jack. 

"I could eat b-b-b-bacon." Daniel held his mug with trembling hands. 

"Sounds like a great breakfast to me," Jack said. "Mom, sit down. I'll cook."

"No," Daniel said. "M-me. I'll cook." He looked at both of them. "Let me take c-care of you."

Jack nodded and motioned for Rose to sit back down. "He just doesn't like my cooking."

Daniel ignored him and went about gathering his supplies.

Jack reached out and squeezed his mom's hand and they watched Daniel cooking breakfast as if it was a miracle.

* * * *

Teal'c looked at Samantha. 

"You are sure you want to do this?"

"I am." She straightened and looked him in the eyes—her blue eyes fierce. "Daniel needs us. SG-1 might not be going through the Stargate, but we are still a team. And you've got to admit, we've always been a hell of a good one."

"We have," Teal'c said. He covered her belly with his hand. "It may be hard to hear all of what he has to share."

"It may," Samantha said, placing her hand over his. "It will be. Burdens shared, love."

"I would gladly carry any burden for Daniel Jackson."

"As would I." Samantha smiled. "As he would for us." She took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. 

"We will stand witness," Teal'c said to her. "It shall be our honor."

He was not surprised when Doctor Mackenzie opened the door and ushered them in. Doctor Fraiser was there with Rose O'Neill and they were getting ready to leave.

"I appreciate your help with this, Rose. I have to admit that having another person's opinion will help."

Rose O'Neill nodded. "I'm sure Cassie will pick out a beautiful dress for her winter formal. I've never had a daughter so..."

"Consider her yours for the afternoon," Doctor Fraiser said as they walked past. "Sam, Teal'c." Her eyes were troubled but she gave them a tight smile. "I'm glad you came."

"Thank you," Rose O'Neill said with a glance towards the living room. She gave Samantha a swift hug and then to Teal'c's surprise, him. "He needs you."

Teal'c nodded. "Then we shall provide what comfort we can."

Samantha sat down on the sofa next to Daniel Jackson and Teal'c took up a post near the fireplace. O'Neill nodded to him from a chair. 

Doctor Mackenzie cleared his throat. "Doctor Jackson has asked that I be here only as an interpreter if needed."

Daniel Jackson nodded and then looked at each of them in turn. "I-I..." He held up his hands. "If you w-w-w-want to l-leave I under under-stand."

"Why would we want to leave, Daniel?" Samantha asked. She was careful not to touch him, Teal'c noticed. "We're your friends, no, your family. Please let us help."

Daniel Jackson nodded and took a deep, shuddering breath. "W-w-w-when we ar-arrived on Wayhara, th-things seemed normal and then...and then it went to h-h-hell."

For the next hour, Teal'c listened to Daniel Jackson tell of the horrors he'd seen, the atrocities against innocents, the choices he'd been forced to make, and he was reminded again that the bravest warror he'd ever known was a man who could change the courses of lives and worlds with words instead of weapons. A lesser man would have broken under far less. But, Teal'c reminded himself, Daniel Jackson was not broken—battered perhaps and soul-weary, but not broken. Still his friend strove to overcome, to go beyond what would limit him. 

Perhaps going through the Stargate once more was not in Daniel Jackson's future, but there must be a way to bring him back to the SGC. If, Teal'c admitted to himself, Daniel Jackson wished to return. 

He could not imagine a SGC without Daniel Jackson's passion and more important, his conscience. The SGC needed Daniel Jackson far more than Daniel Jackson needed the SGC. 

They needed someone to remind them of the cost of forever wanting more and more weapons and technology to show their superiority over another, someone to remind them that there was a whole universe out there that was filled with things not yet dreamed, wonders to behold.

I do not yet know how I may aid you, my friend, Teal'c thought, but I will do all within my power to help you return to yourself.

* * * *

Rose let herself in the house. The shopping expedition had been...interesting. Cassie and Janet had very different ideas of what was appropriate formal wear and Rose thanked heaven above she didn't have to deal with a teenager. But they'd found a dress that Cassie and Janet could agree on and Rose had been regaled with tales of Cassie's date—one Will who was, according to Cassie, the most amazing boy in all of Colorado Springs, perhaps even the United States. She and Janet had shared knowing maternal glances in the front seat of Janet's car.

Was I ever that young? Rose wondered and then remembered a boy with twinkling brown eyes that had swept her off her feet.

The quiet in Jack's house was a welcome respite from holiday crowds and she placed her packages on the floor inside the door. There was no sound coming from the living room. Rose looked in and smiled.

Daniel was on the sofa sandwiched between Jack and Sam—his head on Sam's shoulder, hers tilted back. Their arms were around each other and she could see the heightened color in both their cheeks even as they slept. Jack had his head propped on his hand and while Rose was pretty sure he wasn't fully asleep, he was drifting. Teal's sat on the floor in front of the sofa, one hand resting on Sam's knee, one on Daniel's. He looked over at Rose and gave a grave nod.

She nodded back and carried her packages to the guest room. She took her time unpacking the presents. She smiled as she pulled out the small onesies she'd bought. Sam might not have announced her pregnancy but Rose recognized the glow. She remembered Jack—so small and then Charlie—his hair downy soft and Jack's look of wonder every time he held that small perfect baby in his arms. Rose wiped away a few tears, washed her face, and went back out to the living room.

 

An evening of decorating the tree might be the perfect activity she thought.

"Mom." Jack sat up, stretching and wincing as he popped his back. He carefully removed his arm from around Daniel's shoulders and then stood.

"How--?" Rose whispered. 

Jack hugged her. "Healing," he said. "We'll wake them up in a bit." 

He followed Rose into the kitchen. "How was the dress shopping? Do I need to have a talk with Cassie's date?"

"Cassie is a responsible young woman," Rose said. "And you had better not do anything to embarrass her, Johnny."

Jack poured himself a glass of water and drained it. "I taught her well. She knows how to defend herself."

"You're incorrigible," Rose laughed. "And before you say it, yes, I know. I raised you. It's all my fault."

"Pesky kids, growing up," Jack said and then paused. He swallowed hard and Rose looked away—out the window into the snow covered yard. Oh Charlie, she thought. 

"They're waking up," Jack said and headed back into the living room.

Rose hesitated, unsure if she should follow but the need to see and not just hear that Daniel was healing was too strong.

Jack was already at Daniel's side, his arm supporting him as he stood. Daniel looked up and saw Rose. A shy smile lit his face.

"Rose," he said, his voice hoarse. 

She smiled back and then couldn't resist the urge to give him a hug. He leaned down, pressed a kiss onto her hair.

"What does everyone want for supper?" Rose asked when Daniel let her go.

"Absolutely no cooking for you," Jack said. He held up a finger when Rose opened her mouth.

She looked at Sam who was smiling as she stood by Teal'c's side. "Is he always this bossy?"

Sam snorted. "Most times he's worse."

"Pizza or Chinese?" Jack asked. 

Rose sighed as they all voted for pizza—not what she would have chosen for a night of tree decorating but she'd have to make sure there were some cookies and hot chocolate at least.

* * * * 

Daniel sat in Mackenzie's office and stared out the window at the birds flitting around the bird feeders. A group of chickadees had arrived and the little birds were hopping from feeder to tree branch to feeder again and again. A few hung upside down on the feeder and Daniel found himself smiling at their antics.

"They're bold, aren't they?" Mackenzie said. "If you're patient enough, you can even get them to take bird seed out of your hand."

Daniel sighed and turned his attention back to the doctor. "I did—didn't have a ch-ch-chance to th-thank you."

Mackenzie raised his eyebrows and Daniel waved his hand. "F-for the other d-d-day."

"And after I left?" Mackenzie asked.

"I fell asleep," Daniel admitted. "So did S-Sam. And mmmmaybe Jack." He took a breath. "We decorated the tree."

Mackenzie was silent. Daniel looked at his hands, put them between his legs when he saw them trembling.

"Doctor Jackson?"

Daniel shook his head. He was afraid Mackenzie was going to shoot him down when he brought up the next subject. "I-I-I w-w-want to go b-b-back to wwwwork."

"Then how about we spend the rest of our time today discussing how you can make that happen?" Mackenzie said.

Daniel took a swift look out at the chickadees once again. Bold—just what he needed to remember to be.

By the time the session was over, Daniel was exhausted. He was beginning to think it was his normal state nowadays. He shifted on the chair, felt his shirt sticking to his back.

"One more thing, Doctor Jackson. And obviously you don't need to answer today, but I'd like you to consider the possibility," Mackenzie said. He handed a paper to Daniel. "A service dog."

"Service d-dog?" Daniel asked as he looked at the brochure.

"You're an ideal candidate and I think a service dog would be helpful in your daily life."

Daniel gave a brief nod and got up, allowing Mackenzie to touch his arm while he gained his balance. "I-I'll think about it."

Mackenzie nodded and showed him to the door. "I'll see you after Christmas, Doctor Jackson. And remember you have my numbers if you need me before our next session. Day or night."

Daniel went into the outer office, saw Rose waiting. "J-Jack?"

"He called and said he was held up at work," Rose answered. "I was hoping you'd be kind enough to accompany me on some errands."

Daniel felt his breath coming quicker, his vision temporarily gone gray.

Rose patted his arm. "No, no," she was saying. "I have to get some flowers and take them to the cemetery. Or I can do it later."

Daniel shook his head, took a deep calming breath. "I c-can do it."

Rose folded her fingers over his hand, tucked his arm in hers. "I know, mhuirnin."

* * * *

Daniel saw the store three doors down from the florist—For the Birds—and he thought of the chickadees, curious and bold—the way he used to be, the way he wanted to be. He looked in the florist shop, busy and Rose was in a line that was moving very slowly. He could do this, he told himself. There was no danger. None at all.

The shop was nearly empty—a clerk straightening a window display and a person at the counter buying two very large bags of bird seed while another clerk checked her out, both of them chatting as though they were friends. The clerk at the window smiled at him.

"May I help you, sir?" The young woman paused a moment in her straightening.

Daniel shook his head, his mouth gone dry. "Just l-looking." 

"If you need anything, just let one of us know," she said and turned back to her task.

The woman at the counter hefted one of the bags and headed towards the door, the other clerk behind her. 

Daniel stepped forward, wanting to offer assistance and then shrank back as the two continued their conversation from before, neither of them even out of breath. The clerk pushed the door open with her foot and they exited into the parking lot.

Daniel pulled his shoulders up and limped towards a display of bird feeders---wooden, plastic, all shapes and sizes, and then the bags of food, a language he didn't know. He wasn't sure what the chickadees would eat and what if he bought the wrong kind. There were too many choices and he could feel his heart beat faster.

Ask for help, he told himself. Just go over and ask. Tell her what you want.

The other clerk returned and said something to the first. They looked at him and then the first clerk came to his side.

"Are you looking for something special?" she asked. She smiled up at him. 

"I—I---I---" Daniel shook his head, unable to speak. He looked towards the door and freedom.

She held up her hand and scurried away to the counter and came back with a pencil and a scrap of paper. "You can write it." She held it out to him and he willed himself to reach out and take the tools from her hand.

He started to write and she waited patiently. He caught a flash of a black and white car go past the window and his heart hammered faster. No, no, not happening. Not again. 

He could feel tears in his eyes and he gripped the pencil even tighter, breaking the point as he tried to finish his request.

He pushed the paper at her and watched the pencil drop to the floor. She looked up at him again after reading and he noticed her eyes were dark, dark as the eyes of a little girl he'd sworn to protect and then killed.

Her mouth was moving and he thought she was condemning him to hell for his failure. She moved and beckoned him forward and he wondered if she'd lead him to his own death. And then...

"You have a few options," she said and he blinked to see an array of bird feeders in front of him. She went on describing the advantages of each choice and he nodded in what he thought were all the right places and pointed to a few of the things she suggested. The other clerk loaded him up with bird seed and a book about backyard birds of Colorado. He walked back into the cold with the clerk following him, her smile and chatter along with the snow that was starting to fall, reminding him that he was in Colorado Springs, not halfway across the galaxy.

Rose was in the parking lot, standing by the SUV, her phone out and her finger poised to call someone, anyone.

"Daniel!" Her smile was one of relief as she saw his approach.

She scurried to the back, opened the hatch so Daniel and the clerk could deposit all he'd bought. He wiped his hands on his jeans and forced a smile to his face as he looked at the young woman who had been so helpful.

"Thank you." Out here in the open he could find his voice, out where he could breathe.

"My pleasure, sir." She nodded briskly and then pointed to the supplies. "Enjoy it."

"I will," Daniel assured her. "Thank you again, Kara."

She grinned and nodded and took off at a run, back to the warmth of the store. Daniel stood a moment and then looked at Rose whose eyebrows were raised in question.

"Bird feeder, bird ssseed," he told her and then opened the door for her before getting in himself.

They were nearly at the cemetery when he realized he'd just spent way too much money on himself and hadn't bought a single present for anyone else.

"What's wrong, Daniel? Rose asked as she turned into the cemetery—the long fir-lined drive that he only came down when Rose visited. He knew Jack came to visit Charlie but it was a private time he'd never intruded on. To tell the truth, he'd never been sure Jack had wanted his company on those visits—a pain too deep for Daniel to even comprehend. 

"Christmas is two days away," Daniel said as Rose stopped near the plot where Charlie lay buried.

"Yes," Rose said. She turned to face him, her expression one of concern. 

"I didn't...I for...forgot."

Rose reached over and cupped his cheek, her hand warm against his cold skin. "It's not the presents that matter. We're all together."

Daniel nodded wanting to believe, but he knew Rose had bought things and here he was with a trunk full of bird feeders and bird seed.

"Are you going to wait in the car?" Rose asked as she got out. "I can keep it running."

Daniel shook his head. He'd keep his distance—he knew Rose talked to Charlie and he wanted to give her time to mourn. But cemeteries had never bothered him except for the one where his parents were put to rest. He got out and wandered up the lane—towards the older tombstones and monuments.

He lost himself reading the inscriptions—the dates of births and deaths and wondered at the lives the interred had lived. 

A young man with a death date in 1864—had he fought in the Civil War? A family with three gravestones in a row of a two, three, and six year old—all dead within a month. There must have been an outbreak of some disease. Mother and child—probably died in childbirth and he thought of Sha're with a pang. He'd been so afraid she'd get pregnant and he'd lose her and the child. He sniffed as he felt tears in his eyes. He had anyway—a failure in more ways than one. And a couple in their nineties who'd died within a few days of each other. There was a whole life between those dates—a story of love and heartache—he saw children's graves near theirs with the same last name—and triumph.

The wind picked up and snow swirled more heavily. Daniel hunched his shoulders, headed back to Rose and made himself think of Jack and home.

"Do you mind one more stop?" Rose asked after he'd treated them to coffee at a drive-through. 

Daniel shook his head. He had coffee—he was sure he could survive another errand.

She stopped at a Catholic church—the one she visited when she was in the Springs.

"Confession," Rose said in explanation. Her nose was red as were her eyes—he knew she'd cried at Charlie's grave.

Daniel followed her in, the church warm and smelling of beeswax and evergreen as he entered. He waited while she crossed herself, genuflected and then went to the confessional. He slid into a pew, looked at the stained glass windows, dull in the darkening winter sky, and stared at the altar.

Confessions must be good for the soul, he thought. Wasn't that what he sought when he dutifully visited Mackenzie? Wasn't he searching for absolution from the people who couldn't give it to him—the dead that reflected his own failures? He wished he was a man of faith—that he could know, not just be told, that he was forgiven, that he had done the right things in his life most of the time—or at least that he'd tried. He thought of Jack who still blamed himself for a loaded gun, of Sam who cried on every Mother's Day and remembered the last words to her mom had been those of anger, of Teal'c who had chosen and ultimately killed Sha're even though it was the right thing to do. Maybe they all needed absolution, forgiveness for their sins of omission and commission.

He pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers, breathed through his mouth, and closed his eyes against the tears that prickled there.

He became aware some time later of someone sitting by him, quiet and still and he opened his eyes to see Rose. She smiled at him, took his hand and whispered, "Take all the time you need."

* * * * 

Jack pulled Daniel into his arms as he got into bed. 

"Mm...minty fresh," he said after a kiss.

"I aim to please," Daniel said, his body boneless in Jack's arms. "You really think I should apply for the dog?"

"It's up to you," Jack told him. "But I don't think Mackenzie would suggest it if he didn't think it would help."

Daniel nodded. "What if it doesn't like me?"

"I kind of think they make sure you and the dog work well together. You know, like online dating or something." Jack nuzzled Daniel's hair—it smelled of sandalwood and clean fresh air. 

Daniel didn't speak for a time and Jack thought he might have drifted off into sleep. "Rose wants to go to midnight mass tomorrow."

Jack stiffened and Daniel moved away, looking at him. "Daniel, you know I..."

"I know," Daniel said. "But it's your mom and it's C-C-Christmas and she she she doesn't ask m-m-much."

Jack pulled Daniel close once again, making sure Daniel could see him. "I'm not upset."

Daniel tilted his head, raised his eyebrows, and frowned.

"I'm not," Jack insisted. "I'm just not sure if I can..."

Daniel took a deep breath. "I'll g-g-go."

"You don't have to," Jack said. He stroked Daniel's bare arm. "Mom..."

"I want to," Daniel said, chin up in defiance. "I do."

"Then we'll go. We'll all go," Jack told him. "We can sit in the back in case you have to leave."

"I won't," Daniel assured him. "I can do it."

Jack nodded. He knew the Jackson stubbornness—no, maybe this was more than stubbornness—this was courage and strength. 

Daniel looked up, kissed Jack once more and ran a hand up Jack's chest. Jack responded—it was the first time since he'd returned from that god-awful fuck up of a mission that Daniel had shown any interest in anything beyond a quick peck on the cheek.

"I love you," Daniel said. He twisted and straddled Jack's legs. "Love you."

Jack lay still, let Daniel run his hands over heated skin, exploring with the same gentle touch and attention to detail he used when handling ancient artifacts. Daniel's eyes were wide, his pupils dilated and the blue of his irises more intense. 

Daniel bent down, placing a soft kiss on Jack's chest, and then moving to circle a nipple with his tongue. Jack forced himself to stillness when he wanted to bury his hands in Daniel's hair, pull his lover close. 

"Daniel," he whispered. For his part, Daniel continued moving down Jack's body, giving attention to his ribs, his belly, even, oh God, his navel.

Jack thrust his hips upward and Daniel looked up at him, eyebrows raised and a small smile on his lips.

Jack nodded. 

Daniel ran his tongue from root to tip and Jack shuddered as Daniel did it over and over, and then Daniel had him in his mouth and Jack could no longer hold back. He grunted, his hands fisting in the sheets, acutely aware that his mother was only down the hall.

"God, god, god," he panted and lay back, limp and sweating while Daniel moved up and lay his head on Jack's chest, his body heaving and his face wet with tears.

Jack drew him closer, touched his chin so he turned his face up, and placed kisses on the closed eyelids, wiped away the tears, and said over and over against Daniel's skin, "I love you, I love you, I love you," as if he could embed it into Daniel's soul.

* * * *

Daniel sat in the pew between Jack and Rose, Jack's arm tight against his, keeping him grounded. The church was full and he made himself look at the candles, the families—approaching it as if he was on an expedition. Familiar smells surrounded him—the evergreen of a Colorado winter and frankincense that brought back memories of his parents and Egypt. 

There were two children in the pew in front of them—a dark-haired boy of about ten dressed in a suit Daniel was sure had been bought for this night and a little girl with dark curls that cascaded down her back who was no more than a toddler. She turned in her mother's arms, thumb in her mouth, and watched Daniel . 

Jack squeezed his hand. He leaned over, spoke in Daniel's ear. "You okay?"

Daniel nodded and swallowed hard. He glanced to the side—there were only two people between Jack and the end of the pew. If he needed to leave, he could. He forced his hand to come up and give a little wave to the girl.

She grinned and her thumb came out as she waved back. She put her hands over her eyes and then peeked through them.

Rose tapped Daniel's knee and he looked at her. "She wants to play peek a boo." Rose turned her attention back to the priest at the front of the sanctuary.

Daniel put his own hands over his eyes before spreading his fingers apart which made the little girl smile and bounce. She did her part again and then looked at Daniel in anticipation. When he obliged, she bounced even more and giggled.

The mother turned to look at Daniel. "I'm so sorry she's bothering you."

Daniel shook his head and smiled. "It's fine." 

The little girl stuck her thumb back in her mouth when her mother put her hand on the back of her head, and she lay down, her eyes slowly blinking until Daniel was sure she had fallen asleep. 

People were rising and headed up the aisle to receive communion and suddenly the movement was too much and he could feel his heart start to beat faster, his mouth go dry. Jack tugged on his hand and they made their way against the congregation until they were outside in the clear crystal night and Daniel could breathe again.

Jack said nothing, only placed a hand on Daniel's back, warm, steady, heavy enough to ground him, remind him he was standing in a Colorado Springs church parking lot on Christmas Eve and there was nothing that would harm him. He felt tears come unbidden to his eyes and he wiped them away, angry at himself for weakness.

Jack drew him towards the SUV, bundled him inside, and turned on the heat.

"You did good," Jack said and put his hand on Daniel's nape—the weight of it warm and comforting. 

Daniel counted Jack's breaths, letting himself get his own in synch. He closed his eyes.

"You with me?" Jack asked a bit later. He moved his hand down, rubbed Daniel's shoulder, touched Daniel's cheek.

"Yeah," Daniel said. He opened his eyes, looked at Jack. "Thank you."

Church bells began to peal and Daniel started at the first before settling back in his seat and taking Jack's hand in his.

Rose came into the SUV a few moments later. She leaned forward in her seat, touched Daniel. "Mhuirnin—are you alright?"

He twisted in the seat to look back at her. "I am." He smiled and then closed his eyes again, suddenly very tired. 

Rose dropped a kiss on his hair and he listened to her and Jack talking as they drove home and then their voices faded and he slept.

* * * * 

Rose watched Daniel as he opened up the present she'd bought him—a leather bound journal with hand made paper she'd found in an artsy shop. He ran his fingers over the cover, opened the journal, and then fingered the paper. 

"Thank you," he said and gave her one of his small smiles. "I didn't..."

Rose shook her head. "You did, sweetheart. You and Jack went to mass with me last night. That was the best present." 

"Told you so," Jack said and nudged Daniel. "And do I get a thank you too?"

Daniel grinned and Rose felt her heart lighten a bit. 

"Yes, Jack," Daniel said. "For putting up the bird feeders."

Rose leaned back in her chair and took another sip of coffee. "When Jack was little, we used to always spend our Christmas mornings this way."

"Cookies, coffee...well hot chocolate for me, and pj's until we knew the cousins and aunts and uncles were coming." Jack rested his arm over Daniel's shoulders.

Daniel looked at Rose. "Nice tradition."

Rose grinned and handed him the cookie platter. "Cookies for breakfast are always a good thing." She helped herself to another—one more wouldn't hurt. "What time are Sam and Teal'c coming for dinner? And what about Janet and Cassie?"

"Doc's on call today and Cassie is spending her day with friends," Jack said. "Our little girl is growing up."

Daniel rolled his eyes at the comment. "Sam and Teal'c will be here about noon." He got to his feet, and Rose didn't miss the way Jack held out a hand to steady him. The brace allowed him to walk without crutches, but it usuallly took him a second or two to find his balance. 

Daniel gathered up the coffee mugs and walked to the kitchen. Rose followed and saw he was watching the backyard. 

"Any birds yet?" she asked.

Daniel shook his head. "The clerk said it might take some time." He sighed. "Hope they'll come."

"They will," Rose assured him. "Once they discover there's food to be had, you'll be filling those feeders every day."

Daniel turned to face her and he frowned. "I'm sorry."

Honestly, Rose thought, sometimes she just couldn't keep up with the way Daniel's brain worked. "For? Because I'm not thinking you just bumped into me."

Daniel shook his head. "This was supposed to be a vvvvvvacation for you." 

Rose couldn't miss the stammer starting, the way Daniel's hands held a fine tremor as his stress built. She took his hands in hers—his fingers were cold. "It has been a vacation."

"I hurt y-y-you," he said, and his breath gave a little hitch. "And then the h-hospital."

"You're home now," Rose said. She rubbed his hands briskly. "And even if you were still in the hospital, I'd still be with the people I love most in all the world." She looked up at him, dismayed when she saw telltale moisture in his eyes. "And remember, you're my favorite, but don't tell Jack."

The tactic worked and Daniel gave her a fleeting smile before he tilted his head.

"I remember," he said softly. "You told them I was your sssson."

Rose thought back—she hadn't thought Daniel had heard anything, realized what had happened. "I did."

He looked down at her, his eyebrows raised. "Do you really think of me that way?"

Rose hugged him. "Of course I do. I wouldn't have said it if I hadn't meant it."

Daniel took a deep breath and then carefully folded his arms around her. "Thank you." He stepped back and pulled his arms close and hugged his middle as he stared at the floor and he said something too soft for Rose to hear.

"Daniel? Mhuirnin?"Rose saw Jack come in the kitchen behind him and shook her head when Jack took a step closer. "I couldn't hear you."

He repeated it still too soft for Rose to hear. His ears were bright red and she had no doubt his face would be too. 

"Look at me," Rose said and touched his cheek. "Please?"

Daniel looked at her then—his eyes tear-bright. "Can I call you Mom?"

Rose let her hand fall away, her own eyes filling with tears, even as she let out a little gasp.

Daniel took a step back, nearly falling but for Jack. "Sorry. I-I-I..."

"No. No. It's not that," Rose said. "I can't think of anything I'd love more." She moved in and gave him another hug.

"We done with all the mushy stuff now?" Jack asked but he met Rose's eyes and she wasn't at all surprised to see tears in his eyes either.

* * * *

Jack finished loading the dishwasher and looked out into the snow-covered yard.

"O'Neill," Teal'c said as he came into the kitchen. "Our Christmas repast was quite enjoyable."

Jack shrugged. "You'll have to thank Mom and Daniel for that. I only bought the groceries and did what they ordered me too." He started the dishwasher and stepped away, closer to the living room. He nodded to Teal'c. "And congratulations on the baby."

"Thank you," Teal'c said. He hesitated and Jack looked at him in surprise. He'd never known Teal'c to be anything less than self-assured.

"Is something wrong?"

"Samantha and I have been discussing our child's future."

"Isn't it a bit early to be thinking of colleges and dating rules?" Jack asked, aiming for flippancy that fell far short of the mark.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow and continued as if Jack had said nothing at all. "We would be honored fpr you and Daniel Jackson to be our child's guardian if something were to happen to us."

Jack stepped back until the counter held him up. "Oh." Of all the things he'd expected, this was not it. "I don't have..."

"We understand that you and Daniel Jackson will need to discuss the possibility, but I ask most sincerely that you consider it." Teal'c bowed his head.

"Uh, yeah," Jack said. "We will."

Teal'c retrieved a glass and filled it with water from the fridge. Jack watched and realized how much his team was also his family—he couldn't imagine any other people from the SGC helping themselves to his fridge. 

He didn't leave the safety of the kitchen—too stunned from Teal'c's request to move. He wasn't even aware that Daniel had joined him until he felt two arms wrap themselves around his waist.

"Jack?"

Daniel was looking at him, frowning and tilting his head in concern.

"Did Carter talk to you?" Jack asked.

Daniel's brows drew down. "We've been talking most of the afternoon."

"Teal'c...Carter...they want us to be their child's guardian," Jack said and then raised a finger. "Only if something happens to them."

Daniel smiled. "Yeah, she told me, asked me." He placed a hand on Jack's chest. "You okay?"

Jack shook his head. "I don't have the best track record in fatherhood." On this day of all days, his son's loss was felt keenly.

"You were a great dad," Daniel said with assurance. 

"You didn't even know me when Char..." Jack had to stop to swallow the lump in his throat. "Charlie was alive."

"You loved him," Daniel said and met his gaze without wavering.

Just like that—as if that was all that mattered in the lives of children and their parents. Jack slipped his arms around Daniel, pulled him closer and kissed him softly. He held on because sometimes he needed Daniel to be his anchor as much as Daniel needed him.

* * * * 

"Long day," Daniel said as Jack brushed his teeth. He met his partner's gaze in the mirror.

Jack spit and rinsed and pulled Daniel closer. "Long day, but good day."

Daniel sighed and leaned back against him. He rested his head on Jack's shoulder. "It was." 

Jack kissed the top of his head and tugged on his hand when Daniel yawned. "Bed sounds good to me too."

"I didn't say I was sleepy," Daniel said. He stood up straighter and pulled Jack in for another kiss. "I was thinking maybe a shower."

"You sure?" Jack said, already shucking his boxers and t-shirt.

"Looks like you are." Daniel did the same before stepping into the shower and turning on the water.

Jack cupped his hands on Daniel's buttocks and kissed a bare shoulder. Daniel shuddered under his touch and closed his eyes.

"Do me." He rested his hands against the tile, braced his body.

Jack caressed Daniel's back, skimming his hands along the lean length of his torso. 

"We have time," he said into Daniel's ear. 

Daniel shook his head, his body tensing. "Now."

"Relax," Jack said. He moved his right hand lower, kept his left on Daniel's shoulder and used his fingers to gently probe.

Daniel shivered and Jack felt his whole body go stiff when he inserted one finger.

Damn, damn, and damn, Jack thought. He stopped and kissed Daniel's neck.

"I don't think you're ready for this," he said as he gently touched Daniel's chin so the other man would look at him.

Daniel's eyes were wide. "I...yes....I am." He looked away.

Light dawned. 

"You don't have to do it for me," Jack said. A more horrifying thought came to him. "You weren't...did they..."

Daniel shook his head. "No. No. Not me." 

Which of course said more than he realized.

"Oh, baby," Jack said, the diminutive coming out without thinking. It was a testament to Daniel's mental state that there was no outrage, just a leaning into Jack's embrace.

Jack took his weight easily. 

"I had to watch," Daniel said into Jack's shoulder. "They used them and discarded them like garbage. Huang, the little girl, even, even Petersen."

Jack held on tighter and listened as the story came out brokenly and when Daniel pulled away, his face reddened with tears and the heat of the shower and asked why not me, Jack had no answer. He never would to that age-old question of those who survived.

He bundled them both in towels and warmth and lay beside Daniel in the dark bedroom, holding him in his arms long into the night.

* * * *


	5. Chapter 5

Rose looked at Daniel over her coffee cup. His face was paler than usual and he had that look of a restless night's sleep.

"More?" Jack asked as he held the coffee pot over Daniel's mug.

Daniel nodded but didn't look at either of them.

Rose raised her eyebrows in question as she caught Jack's attention. He shook his head as he walked past.

"What would you boys like for dinner this evening?" Rose asked. "It's your last chance for some Rose O'Neill cooking until my next visit."

That got Daniel's attention. "Already?" He sounded dismayed.

"I'm going to Florida with the 'widow's club' for two months, remember?" Rose said gently.

Jack snorted at that and Rose frowned at him. 

"Just saying, Ma. I hate that silly name."

"Then it's good you aren't a member isn't it?" Rose retorted. She glanced at Daniel who was hiding a small smile.

"I'll cook," Daniel said and stood up to refill his mug. "Your special left-over turkey soup."

"Wait a minute," Jack said. "You didn't tell me Mom gave you that recipe."

"Mom didn't give it to me. It was in that ccccookbook on the shelf."

Jack turned to look at Rose who felt laughter bubbling up at the sheer indignance on her son's face. "You mean to tell me...?"

Rose nodded. "I never said I came up with it myself. I found it in a cookbook the year I married your father."

"I'll be damned," Jack muttered. He glanced at his watch.

Rose looked to Daniel once again. His expression was what she'd come to recognize as its stubborn set. 

"We'll be fine, and I already texted Mackenzie. Session at ten," Daniel said as he busied himself with gathering up the few dishes on the table. "Go. Someone's got to earn..."

And now her son's expression was one she recognized very well indeed—building anger.

"Don't you ever say that," Jack said. "God knows..."

Daniel kissed him and shooed him out the door before, Rose thought, Jack even knew what had happened. And as soon as Jack was gone, Daniel sat down with a thump in the closest chair.

Rose sat silent, staring at her hands on the kitchen table. She listened to Daniel's breathing, hard at first and then settling into a normal rhythm. 

"I'm going back," he said and Rose looked at him. "They aren't going to win."

That stubborn look was back. No, she corrected herself, not stubborness. Sheer determined guts. 

Rose smiled. "I'm glad."

"Do you mind driving me?" Daniel asked. 

Rose shook her head. "We can go for groceries aft..." and she held her hand over her mouth.

Daniel smiled back and took her hand. "I can't avoid grocery stores forever, Mom. Just maybe...not that one?"

Rose got up, dropped a kiss on the top of his head. "Go, get dressed, and then we can make a list." She paused to look out the window. "Come look."

Daniel got up and stood beside her. She glanced up at his face as a genuine grin appeared.

"They came."

Rose stood beside him as they watched the birds at the feeders—chickadees and finches.

"Downy woodpecker," Daniel announced as a small white and black bird came in to the suet feeder.

"I didn't know you knew birds," Rose said.

Daniel shrugged. "I didn't really but the clerks at the shop gave me a book and I've been reading." He didn't take his eyes off the feeders.

Rose patted his hand and headed for her shower. She'd hold that grin in her mind for a long time.

* * * *

Jack looked out the window at Daniel—who was once again standing with a gloved hand outstretched. He held his breath when a small chickadee settled on Daniel's hand and took a seed. Another, more bold, landed on Daniel's hat before hopping down to his hand. 

"Yeah, Mom," he said. "He's got them eating out of his hand now."

Rose chuckled warmly. "I knew he'd do it." 

Jack heard her take a breath and spoke before she could. "And yes, he's doing well. The service dog is a go although he hasn't met her yet—she's still getting some training." 

"Is he back at work?" Rose asked. "He said he wants to go back."

Jack sighed. "Not yet." He swallowed hard before continuing. "He's working on it." How hard Daniel was working on it he left unsaid. Jack stirred the soup on the stove and watched as Daniel filled the feeders and the snow swirled as the wind picked up.

Rose said something and Jack realized his mind had wandered. 

"Yeah, love you too, Mom. I'll have Daniel call you later," he said before hanging up.

Daniel came in the door on a gust of wind. His nose was red with cold and he stamped his feet on the small rug before taking off his boots and hanging up his jacket, hat, and gloves.

Jack reached out when he walked past. Daniel smelled of cold and fresh air and his cheek was chilly as Jack pressed against it.

"Oh nice," Daniel said and tried to sneak his hands onto Jack's waist.

"Nope, icicle boy," Jack said. "I am not your personal heater."

"That's not what you said last night," Daniel retorted just before he kissed Jack.

Jack motioned to the table. "Put out some bowls. And there's a loaf of bread I picked up from the bakery. Get out the butter."

Daniel busied himself with setting the table. They sat in silence while the soup cooled a bit in their bowls.

"What's going on?" Jack asked. 

Daniel glanced at him, his eyes slightly hidden from the steam that had fogged his glasses. "I went to the mountain today."

Jack grinned. "That's great." He paused when Daniel didn't respond. "Isn't it?"

"Mackenzie and I got as far as the sign in." Daniel stirred his soup.

Jack waited. Did Daniel not recognize how huge a step he'd taken? A week or so ago, he'd not been able to even get beyond the first checkpoint. "And?"

"And I had a panic attack." Daniel pushed the bowl away and got up to pace. "I had a fucking panic attack in front of every—everyone."

"Everyone?" Jack pushed.

Daniel let out a snort of exasperation. "Okay, not everyone but but but..." He tapped his fingers on the back of a chair. "Mackenzie and the guard."

"And?"

Daniel took a deep breath. "I don't want to be this way."

"No one thinks you do."

"And I...I...want it to stop." Daniel resumed his pacing. "I want to be back—all the way back."

"You will be."

"When?" Daniel stopped and looked at Jack. "When? When will I stop waking up with memories of..." He shook his head. "When will I be strong?"

Jack got up, pulled him close. "You are strong. Stronger than anyone I know."

Daniel relaxed against him. "I miss it so badly."

Jack couldn't say anything against the pain. 

* * * * 

 

Daniel wiped his hands on his trousers once again and took a deep breath. He looked in the mirror, straightened his tie, adjusted his glasses before opening the door.

"Doctor Jackson, you're sure you're up to this?" General Hammond asked.

"I'm sure, sir," Daniel said as his stomach turned somersaults. He looked at Doctor Mackenzie who returned a grim, yet strangely reassuring smile.

Beside them, Captain Lorten adjusted her briefcase. She gave all of them a smile. "The lawyers for the police department are ready, sirs."

Daniel closed his eyes and forced himself to calm. He was safe here. No one was going to hurt him. They were just people after all.

Beside him, General Hammond murmured. "I have the utmost faith in you, Doctor Jackson."

Daniel nodded and followed the others into the conference room.

* * * *

He glanced at the clock. His dress shirt was plastered to his back, his hands were sweaty, and he felt as if he wanted to go home and sleep for a few days. But he'd survived an hour and a half of reliving the incident in the grocery store. He'd advocated for more training for the police, accepted apologies, and tuned out all the legalese.

He signed some papers that the captain and the lawyers for the city placed in front of him and stood and shook hands and smiled when he thought it appropriate. 

Fighting Goa'uld had taken less out of him, Daniel mused. He followed General Hammond through the halls, felt Mackenzie touch his elbow every so often, and took several deep breaths when they got outside.

"Doctor Jackson," General Hammond said, and Daniel looked at him. "You did a great job in there. Thank you."

"Thank you, sir," Daniel replied although he still wasn't exactly sure why Hammond would be thanking him. 

Captain Lorten shook his hand before she and the general went into the waiting staff car.

"I think we could use some coffee," Doctor Mackenzie said. 

"Sure," Daniel agreed. He followed Mackenzie to the car and sat down with a sigh. He closed his eyes.

"How are you doing?" Mackenzie asked as he drove through the noon hour traffic.

Daniel didn't bother to open his eyes. "Surprisingly good. Exhausted, and I need a shower but good." He let himself drift and opened his eyes to see they were at the checkpoint at the mountain.

He turned to Mackenzie, wanting to protest.

"You're ready," Mackenzie told him, and the strangest thing was that for the first time, Daniel found himself believing the other man was right.

He went through familiar checkpoints until he arrived at the one for the SGC. It was the same airman who'd been there a few weeks back—the one who'd seen his panic attack. But there was another person waiting there today—General Hammond.

"Doctor Jackson," General Hammond said, his Texan twang at once familiar and comforting. "I believe you'll want this."

Hammond held up an ID card, handed it to Daniel, and waited while Daniel signed in.

He motioned for Daniel to step on the elevator.

Daniel looked at Mackenzie. "Aren't you coming?"

Doctor Mackenzie shook his head. "I think you can take it from here." And he gave Daniel a paternal smile.

"After you, Doctor Jackson," General Hammond said and stepped aside for Daniel to swipe his card.

* * * * 

Daniel pressed himself against the wall of the elevator as he watched the numbers. General Hammond's voice washed over him, speaking of some new allies they'd made, a stele that no one in Daniel's department had been able to decipher, and research that Sam was doing on some tech given to them by their newest contact.

It was, at once, calming and strangely exhilirating.

They stepped off and General Hammond excused himself.

"I thought maybe you'd like to wander around a bit. Refamiliarize yourself with things."

Daniel nodded and stood in the hall momentarily bereft. He didn't know where to go. There was always his old office—if it hadn't been given to someone else. Jack and Teal'c were training at a site near the Academy and Sam—well, the general had said Sam was in her lab. 

He walked steps he'd taken for years, his feet finding the way even if his mind wandered and his heart pounded in fear.

She stood deep in thought by her computer and he stood by the door for a few moments, not wanting to interrupt if she was in the middle of a calculation. She typed and he heard a muttered, triumphant, yes! 

He shifted his weight and Sam turned at the noise. Her expression changed to one of sheer delight.

"Daniel!" 

He found himself embraced in a hug, awkward due to her advancing pregnancy. She stepped back, still holding onto his arms, her face wet with tears.

"Uh," Daniel began, "so..."

Sam wiped her eyes and shook her head. "Ignore the tears. Hormones, I guess." She took his hand and pulled him towards the lab table.

"You're back?"

"So it would seem," Daniel said. He looked around. "Although I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be doing."

Sam nodded. "You could keep me company and look at this." She pushed a notebook towards him.

"I'm afraid physics was never my thing," Daniel said and then stopped as he looked at her notes more closely.

"I have pictures too," Sam said. She tapped a few keys on a laptop nearby and turned it to face him.

Daniel scanned the photograph—needed a bit more resolution, and some of his reference books but yeah, definitely translatable with some work.

"Can I take this?" He gestured at the laptop.

Sam nodded with a grin and then just as quickly her expression changed.

"Sam? You okay? Is it the baby?" Daniel felt a slight sense of panic. "You're not having it now are you?"

She grabbed his hand and placed it on her belly. "She's kicking."

Daniel felt movement under his hand and he swore the outline of a tiny foot.

"She?" he asked. "I thought you didn't want to know what you're having?"

"We don't," Sam said. "But Teal'c is convinced it's a girl by some obscure Jaffa ritual he performed."

Daniel removed his hand and smiled. "I'm happy for both of you."

Sam hugged him again. "I think you'll find your office still open." She kissed his cheek. "I'll stop by a bit later, see how it's going."

Daniel nodded and waved, his mind already on the intriguing images Sam had shown him.

* * * *

**Author's Note:**

> I've done my best to respectfully deal with the effects of PTSS.


End file.
